Last night I was feeling sick so instead of being a reasonable adult and making myself some soup I got high, ordered Papa Johns, drowned myself in garlic butter and then spent 3 hours watching Shark Tank. It was a solid, solid Tuesday night in my book. Did I wake up this morning being like “Wow I’m such a piece of shit for eating an entire pizza by myself” ? Yes. But did I really care about the state of my physical wellbeing after inhaling said pizza until I saw these infographics? No. But now I care because these are all just fancy ways of saying “You’re going to die, quit being a fatass and buy some Romaine you cow.”
Cosmopolitan, in their infinite quest to make me hate myself, went and broke down just exactly what happens when you eat a slice of pizza. They also figured out which national pizza chains are the worst for you, not that you really care in the first place because you’re eating pizza. Like you expected it to be full of vitamins and shit – it’s cheese, fat and sauce. Don’t lie to yourself.
I’m self-loathing but not enough so that I would ever even LOOK at a Little Caesars so let’s just pretend they’re not even included on the graphic. Seeing that Papa Johns is the second worst fills me with a mix of admiration that I can pound away a large pizza by myself and pity for my colon. Mostly colon pity.
Tl;dr: literally everything in life worth having is going to kill you. Eat your pizza and fuck the haters.