My Eyes Are Up Here: What Women Want You to Notice Versus What You Actually Notice

by 3 years ago


Picture the perfect, cookie-cutter housewife. She’s wearing a plaid apron as she pulls a fresh apple pie out of the oven. Her bread-winning husband walks through the front door, saying, “Hello Honey!” or some fruity generic bullshit like that. She had her hair done earlier that afternoon. She’s tidied up the house, and she’s wearing a new blouse. Her husband walks into the kitchen and asks, “What’s for dinner?” He makes no mention of her appearance or the fact that she’s maintained the household impeccably. He carries on about his business, leaving her to finish up her womanly duties.

She’s pissed. She mainlines her Gin and Tonic, lights her Lucky Strike cigarette and starts rattling off some inner dialogue sounding a bit like this: “What a smug ass little bitch strolling in this house with his goofy grin like he’s just conquered the fucking free world. You’d think he can pull his head out of his ass for 30- seconds to acknowledge me.”

Of course, this inner dialogue would remain unsaid because in my clichéd scenario it’s obviously some 1950s shit where women were seen, not heard. The thing is though, this continues to happen nowadays in one way or another.

The playing field may have leveled out a bit between the sexes, but it seems as if men still have their heads lodged somewhere up your rectum.

I’m gonna break this down for you to the point that it’s SO idiot-proof you’d have to be missing your frontal-fucking-lobe to not understand this. Put a little extra effort in noticing these things and you’re as good as gravy.

I get it—your girlfriend’s fresh gel manicure isn’t going to give you a boner, nor is her new haircut, or her recently threaded eyebrows. The fact of the matter, however, is that these amenities are all examples of the ways in which she takes care of herself. I know you guys don’t think you care about nail polish, but I promise that you would if your girlfriend was walking around with janky-ass chipped nails with dirt underneath them. Perhaps your girlfriend does have dirt underneath her fingernails (it’s likely she does meth in this instance) and I’m just being a snob, but this whole general hygiene and upkeep thing for women is a big deal. It wouldn’t lessen your masculinity by saying, “I like that color on you.” Your dick will not shrivel up and turn inside out to form a vagina.

This is a fact.

Noticing our cleavage and ass, while courteous of you, is sort of a copout. You’re a red-blooded heterosexual man. We know you like T&A. Reminding us of this is a fairly redundant and half-assed pursuit. In conjunction, while you do like our ass, you also like the ass of 82-97% of the women you see on a daily basis. A compliment loses its pizazz if we know you’re constantly using it/thinking it. You like my boobs? Great! You like all boobs, except if they share the same bloodline as you. If you’re too masculine to throw out a “That’s a pretty shirt” to your lady, then at least make it a point to compliment her eyes, lips—Hell, I’d go as far as saying that complimenting a woman’s collar bone will get you more points than saying, “nice tits.”

Does it seem like I’m beating a dead horse here? Well, it’s because I am. This isn’t the fucking Da Vinci code. You all know this. Yet, there seems to be some sort of mental blockage situation on our hands. Fact is: most women take care of themselves for themselves, whereas most men would let their pubic hair reach Rapunzel length if left to their own devices. Women care a bit more about such matters. Our beauty routine isn’t all for you, but it certainly does benefit you, so respect that—and acknowledge it accordingly.

Aesthetics aside, being in your 20s is an unusual time where the constant maternal reassurance of a mother is necessary, but not nearly as available as it once was in your youth. What kind of horseshit is that? I didn’t need my mom patting me on the back every time I colored in the lines, but I sure as shit need to hear her say, “good job” every time I don’t punch my shit-sack coworker in her stupid face. “No Jan, I don’t want watch Grey’s Anatomy and drink Skinny Girl Moscato with you—shut the fuck up.” Anyway, because we don’t have the same comfort from our parents, we need it from our significant others. Sometimes telling your girlfriend “You’ve been doing really well at work” is just as nice as a physical compliment.

As I said, its 2015. Women don’t eat, shit and sleep with the intention of pleasing a man. This isn’t about gender equality or empowerment. We don’t have to turn it into that sort of discussion. At the end of the day, it simply goes a long way to pay attention to the seemingly insignificant shit your girlfriend does.

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