What did you do for your Mom for Mother’s Day? Nothing? You probably did nothing. And that’s okay. Moms will love you no matter what.
But Dads? Dads will not. Your dad kinda hates you, you embarrassing, doleful, piss-poor semblance of the real man he is. Which is why you need to buy your dad something. You need to buy your dad’s love.
He will not love you for a FitBit, and he will not love you for a tie. But he will love you for some whiskey, for with whiskey, he will get drunk enough to forget that he hates you.
And that’s when the real bonding happens.
Luckily for you guys, I know whiskey. And I know whiskies that will help gain your dad’s love.
Here are six great options for certain varietals of Dad and, as a bonus, I’ve even included what to write on the card you picked up at CVS on the way to his house.
For I love you all, unlike your fathers.
For the Dad who knows quality when he sees it: Wild Turkey Rare Breed, SRP: $44.99
Dad’s have lived a long time. They are not foolish. They are not tempted by flash and words like “NEW!” Why do you think your Dad wears such weird shoes? Not to look cool, but because they are good, quality shoes. Shoes you can wear that won’t hurt your feet.
Good shoes, shoes the way shoes are supposed to be.
Well, Wild Turkey Rare Breed is the way whiskey should be. It’s a combination of 6-, 8-, and 12-year-old Wild Turkey whiskies, and it’s served as is, at the proof it comes out of the barrel. It’s not cut with water. Nope, this is 100 percent whiskey, which Dad will respect. It’s made to be good, not made to impress, which is exactly why it impresses. Like those hiking boots you now understand.
What to write in the card you got at CVS: Dad, you’ve taught me to care about everything I do, and this is a whiskey that’s made with the kind of care you appreciate.
For the Dad who got you the job out of college you never thanked him for: Angel’s Envy Cask Strength, SRP: $169.99
When my brother graduated college, a couple weeks after he got back from a celebratory cruise, we had a get-together at my Dad’s house. On the counter was a five-liter bottle of Johnnie Walker Black.
“Where did that come from?” I inquired.
“Kevin bought it for me,” my Dad boasted, “to thank me for paying for college.”
I didn’t know kids were supposed to do that. My dad paid for college and he got me my first job and I never got him something like that. I never actually got him anything. If this is you, and it is, you should finally repay him with some Angel’s Envy Cask Strength, which was only named the “best spirit in the world” by Spirit Journal.
Dad’s love to boast, and one sip might actually have him impressed with something you did for once.
“My son bought my the best bourbon in the world.”
What to write in the card you got at CVS: Dad, I can never begin to repay you for all the things you’ve done for me, but I hope this is a start.
For the Dad who works his butt off every damn day: Knob Creek Single Barrel, SRP: $40.99.
Dads work damn hard. To pay for all the shit you do. You know how much that root canal you got cost you, even with dental insurance? A grand, right?
Remember when you were a kid? How it didn’t cost you anything? That’s because your Dad was paying for it. He didn’t miss your sports games or your recitals (ha, loser!) because he wanted to, he missed it because he was working his butt off to pay for all your shit.
So if your Dad is someone who works all day, and needs to relax after, get him Knob Creek Single Barrel. It’s 120 proof, but doesn’t taste like that at all. It tastes darn smooth, and one sip will have him forget that he’s only got 18 more years of this shit.
That’s good gifting.
What to write in the card you got at CVS: Dad, You’ve earned this. You really have.
For the Dad who doesn’t give a damn about all this bullshit: Hudson Four Grain Bourbon, SRP: $43.99
A lot of people will tell you that bourbon can only come from Kentucky. “If it doesn’t come from Kentucky, it isn’t bourbon,” they will maw.
Well, you know who doesn’t have time for that bullshit? Your Dad, because the game is starting and instead of you young damn youths who think they know shit yipping about real bourbon, Dad wants to have himself a real drink.
So buy him Hudson Four Grain Bourbon, which is an award-winning bourbon out of New York state. It bills itself a “easy sipping” whiskey, which, let’s be honest, is exactly what you Dad wants.
You know it is.
What to write in the card you got at CVS: Dad, you taught me to never listen to what anyone says, and I hope this whiskey shows I took your words to heart.
For a Dad who loves the outdoors: Burnside Bourbon Premium Barrel-Aged Straight Bourbon Whiskey, SRP $25.95
A lot of Dads love the outdoors. I do not understand why. When I am a Dad, I am not going to take my son on hikes and have him go camping with me, and shit like that.
I will watch some damn TV, letting my wife do the baby-raisin’.
But if you’ve got a Dad who loves to be outside, there’s not a better whiskey to pass around the campfire and swig straight from the bottle. Smooth, strong, and its from Oregon, which is every outdoor dad’s favorite state.
What to write in the card you got at CVS: Dad, I can’t wait until we get to visit this distillery and climb Mt. Hood.
For the Dad who is stuck in a Canadian Club rut: Pendleton Whisky, SRP: $24.99
Dads love Canadian Club for two reasons. Because it is cheap and it gets them drunk.
Show your Dad you’ve learned from him, by helping him break out of his Dad rut. Pendleton Whisky’s oh, only a thousand times better than CC and a fraction of the cost more expensive. Getting your dad hooked on cheap stuff that’s actually really good is probably the best thing you could ever do for a father.
So, be a good son and help your Dad out. He’s earned it.
What to write in the card you got at CVS: Dad, you’ve done so much for me. Let me do something for you.