Why Your Ex-Girlfriend Keeps Texting You; Plus What’s Proper Blowjob Etiquette?


Q: Dear Babe,

I'm going to be a senior in college and I'm sort of still a virgin. I only seem to hook up with girls on the weekend when we've both been drunk. I've hooked up and taken a couple girls home, and have done the deed, but I've never actually had an orgasm. Most of the time, I'm the first to go down and I hope she returns the favor. Then, I don't know if it's because I'm drunk or if I'm thinking about it too much, but when we actually have sex I last a while but just can't cum. Normally, I make her come a couple of times, which leads to me just saying “Sorry, I can't, I'm too drunk” and we hook up another time. However, after 2 or 3 times of this happening, she cuts ties with me or something along those lines. Do I try and do the deed sober (moral implications of me being sober and her being drunk then fall into play)? Is there something just physically wrong with me?

 

A: First and most obvious things first: Regardless of climax, you are, by virtue of penetrating women on multiple occasions, not a virgin. You seemed pretty confused on that front, so I wanted to clear that up.

Next, you're presumably decent in bed if you're giving her multiple orgasms (assuming they're real), but you're just too drunk to reap the same benefits. Are you following here? The solution is extremely obvious.

A haiku, to clarify:

Your drinking habits are inhibiting your sex life.
Have sober sex.
With a sober girl.

This negates all guilt regarding sex with a drunk chick when you're not as drunk, and will also undoubtedly move you closer to getting yours. I dunno what your hang-up here ultimately stems from, but if you're too awkward to have sex without a BAC above 0.4, you shouldn't be having sex at all. 

In my day, losing your virginity was executed with at least a primarily coherent state of mind, and I stick by that. College one-nighters are of course a different story, but before you go forgetting who you had sex with the night before, you have to remember having an orgasm with somebody first.

Q: What's your take on the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper?

 

A: Riveting question.

My take is that it's a sort of hypnotizing tonic—a Hypnotiq, if you will—to srat girls across the country. I believe it has the same effect on middle school thespians and '80s deadbeats too, although that's merely speculation.

It's overplayed at Bat Mitzvahs and lesbian weddings; but regardless of where, who the fuck can resist getting off their chair to dance when a jam like that comes on? It's as much of a classic as an 80s anthem can reasonably be. And, at the bottom of everything, I feel like girls really do just wanna have some fun, ya know?

Q: Babe,

I've been with my girl for a while now, we're both out of college, and we're starting to think long term. Now I love her more than anything in the world and would do anything for her, but upon thinking long term, the gears start turning. The issue is this: she isn't as sensitive to my feelings as I am towards hers. It's like she's incapable of sacrificing for me or going out of her way to do things for me, no matter how small. On the other hand, I'm constantly doing nice things for her, that I don't have to do, but I do them because I love her and I want her to be happy. She wants me to respect her feelings, but when it's time for her to do something for me, she doesn't want to because it's not her way. Now I used to be an asshole, and she broke up with me to make me realize what I had. I got my shit together, and she came back to me. No matter how many times I tell her how I feel about this, she doesn't seem to change. I can't picture myself with anyone else and she feels the same way towards me. I am completely willing to work with her on this because I love and care for her so much, but my question is should I break up with her like she did to me to get it through her head? Should I keep trying to improve our relationship because I love her and would rather have her than anyone else? Or should I just leave her for good and find someone who is capable of being a good girlfriend and doing things for me without me asking?

Sorry for the novel, babe.

 

A: Quite the mature inquiry here, BoyfriendBro.

It sounds like your girlfriend kind of sucks. And while I know it's the shittiest option behind door A, giving her a little jolt of fear probably isn't such a bad plan. She's clearly gotten comfortable–both in her relationship security and treating you like a doormat –and it's time for a wake-up call. You seem like a decent guy who deserves an equally decent partner, and it doesn't seem like you're getting it right now.

So a dose of tough love it is. Provide her with the ultimatum of shaping up or getting out. If she loves you as you do her, the decision will be obvious and she'll be serving you sushi off of her naked body before you can say spicy tuna roll. If she stands her ground of suckiness then let the truth be revealed and kick he to the curb. In this day and age with siblings and friends and the like getting serious left and right, you really shouldn't be taking any chances.

Q: Babe,

Is it standard operating procedure to tell a girl before you blow while she is going down on you? I feel like I used to implement the head tap, or just not say anything, but girls at my age (24) don't seem to appreciate it very much if I don't at least give them the option of not taking a mouthful. I also feel weird as fuck saying, “I'm gonna cum.”

 

A: Mm, yes. More jizz-related questions. You feel weird telling a girl you're going to cum, but you're about to do exactly that—and in her mouth. I see. Sounds to me like a case of a sexually fortunate yet emotionally immature manboy. And as they say, if you can't take the heat, don't fucking have sex in the first place.

Meaning, if you're fortunate enough to be put in the good graces of an orally generous lady friend, pay her the respect due in return. Give her the appropriate heads-up. Yes. Pun intended. Just TRY, for one second, to imagine being on the other side. You would really, really appreciate a similar courtesy. So man up, get vocal, and thank your lucky stars you're un-repulsive enough that chicks want to go down on you in the first place.

Q: What does it mean when your ex-girlfriend texts you all the time saying she wants to see you but actually makes no effort to see you? I do not really care to see her all that much, but what is the point of even sending mixed signals?

 

A: The point of sending mixed signals is exactly what you think—to confuse you. It means she wants to keep the reigns on you; keep you in check and make sure you're still available without actually giving anything back in return. Manipulation is a powerful tool and it seems like she's wielding it with a vengeance.

Although she's not interested in spending any time with you or supporting you in any way, she IS very interested in preventing you from finding love or happiness elsewhere, especially before she does.

Sucks, I know. But it happens. Luckily for you, it sounds like you don't give that much of a shit so go ahead and continue to not let it affect you. Best thing you can do is ignore her texts completely and make her a little uneasy.

Oh, and start hooking up with someone hotter than her.

[Couple fighting image via Shutterstock]

BroBible Newsletter - The best sports and culture news directly to your inbox

* indicates required