Yesterday, Her Royal Highness, Catherine, The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby girl. A baby girl! A royal princess! All of England is a flutter at the news. Joyous, jubilant celebrations about. Tea for you.
But this child, who may only be like 36 hours old, is already fourth in the line of succession to take over the royal crown.
A matter of that import can not be overlooked just for the sake of the baby’s age. She must be a leader and there are things we must know. What is her stance on Scottish Succession? The independence of Northern Ireland. Her belief in the latent geopolitical power of the monarchy and how she might wield it.
Also, is she gonna be hot?
I mean, call me crazy, but I want to know. I know I will find out in 18 years, but then I’ll be 49 and I probably won’t care. Okay, cool, she’s pretty, I’ll say to my wife or my dog (most likely my dog) and then move on with my life.
That’s no fun. Because it is important. Let me remind you, the attractiveness of the monarchs does matter. It does. If Prince William had married a usual, we would not be this riveted to the crown. No one would give a shit about ugly Jennifer’s ugly baby.
In fact, FACT, England has only ever mattered when it has had gorgeous ladies running the show. Prove me wrong. You can’t. Mary Queen of Scots? Stunner.
(That’s the only person in the monarchy I can name, and truth be told I’m not sure if she was actually ever the queen of England or attractive, but I have heard of her.)
I’m just gonna say it. This baby needs to be hot. Smoking. Be some bullshit if she’s not. The dudes who are three and five and seven now deserve a hot princess in her 20s who they can jerk it to after the paparazzi massively invades her privacy.
The Bros of the 80s and 90s got Diana. We got Kate. That’s a run of 30 straight years of hot princesses. The royal baby should be as hot or hotter than those two. It would be a disservice to future dudes if she wasn’t. And it would put a lot more pressure on her brother, George, to marry hot. That’s not cool.
And if she’s not? I dunno man. I think in the 1600s they left ugly babies of the crown on hills to rot, but these are different times indeed.
Some would say better. I would say maybe not.