We Now Live A World With The First ‘Vegan Butcher,’ And That’s Awesome Right?



Hey, did any of your vegan friends tell you about the new “vegan butcher?” No? Well you must have not seen them recently or they must not know about the forthcoming “vegan butcher,” otherwise they would have fucking told you about the “vegan butcher.”

Let’s start by saying that “vegan butcher” is obviously false advertising and is not a “butcher” in any sense of the word. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines “butcher” as the following:

  • Someone who cuts and sells meat in a shop
  • Someone who kills animals and prepares their meat to be eaten
  • A shop that sells meat

Not to mention that “vegan butcher” is an oxymoron just like “jumbo shrimp,” “act naturally,” “business ethics,” “government organization” and “my loving mother.”

Now if this individual was a person who only butchered vegans, then I think the title could be correctly used.

Despite the ridiculous name, the idea for the new business was received with open arms on Kickstarter, receiving $61,806 when their original goal was $50,000. The Herbivorous Butcher asked people to “Help us build the world’s first vegan butcher shop so we can make more handcrafted meat-free meats for all #AllVeganEverything.”

You could say that one of the vegan entrepreneurs was born to embark on this meatless journey because his name is… wait for it… wait for it… Kale Walch. That’s the fucking guy’s real name. Kale partnered with his sister named Celery, just messing with you, her actual name is Aubry Walch.

Now the brother and sister duo are opening their “vegan butcher” up in Minneapolis, Minnesota on Janaury 23. They will sell a wide variety of plant-based meats and cheeses. Instead of yummy animals they’re made from chick peas and tapioca powder, which is totally just like yummy animals.

The Herbivorous Butcher claims:

We’ve created complex and flavorful products that will satisfy any herbivore, omnivore, and even self‐proclaimed carnivores. In addition to our five mainstays shown below, we’ve created a series of successful weekly specials like Maple-Glazed Bacon, Hawaiian Ribs, Andouille Sausage, Scarborough Chicken, Beer Brats, Mexican Chorizo, Pulled Pork, and Maple Sage Breakfast Sausages.

Bull——shit.

I’ve had my fair share of not-meat products, and I will say that they are not disgusting. The sausage products.actually aren’t half bad, and they even get the texture to be very close to real meat, but no way can they imitate great ribs, bacon or pulled pork.

That being said, I think this is an outstanding venture. These meat-substitutes are healthier than meat, it’s cruelty-free, locally sourced,

I wish them nothing but success, because if more people are eating tofu pepperoni, that means that there’s more fatty hogs available to be slaughtered so that people like me can indulge on real thick-cut Applewood smoked bacon and braised salty, scrupulous, gelatinous pork belly. Mmmm.



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