People Shared Their Most F*cked Up First Date Experiences And We May Never Go On A Date Again

We’ve seen some tremendous topics covered by those deviants over at “Ask Reddit,” from “People’s biggest porn pet peeves” to “The craziest things people have ever done to get laid,” but this one might top them all.

Redditor upvote-craver hit the motherlode of WTF when he posed the question, “What is your most fucked up first date experience?

Consider the responses here to be a primer in what NOT to do on a first date (and please tell us you’ve never done any of these things).

DATELINE 1983 – San Francisco: I met a girl in small bookstore, we seemed to hit it off so I asked her out. She took me to a nearby ATM to get some cash for dinner and she and her partner tries to rob me. They had been having some success with the setup over the summer, so the SFPD was watching ATMs in the area and arrested them both.

I spent the night at the police station being interviewed and writing my statement; No dinner, no first date sex, and the shop sold the book I wanted. ~ Steampunker683

For a while I had on my okcupid profile that I would accept any reasonably pitched invitation to a date. This led to many bad dates.

A notably bad one: guy invites me to a party. I ask a few questions but he’s kinda vague. Tells me to dress nice. It ends up being a religious family holiday. He told his family I was his girlfriend.

I went with it. ~ MeghanAM

The guy was super baked and kept complimenting me on the cute wrinkles on my toes. ~ munkyyy

Met a guy online and thought he was cool, so met up with him for a coffee. I kissed him on the cheek to say hello, which he took as an opportunity to stick his tongue down my throat and go for a boob grab. I pulled back, and he yelled at me “IS IT BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING RETARD?” in front of a packed cafe. He had a hearing aid.

I left pretty quickly after that. ~ lilysasha

I went on a date with a guy who seemed pretty confident and stable during the entire time together. We went to the movies and then he dropped me home. He ended the date by kissing me and telling me he loved me. ~ perspectivejunkie

The girl didn’t know it was a date. ~ Palifaith

Oh man. Freshman in high school. First date ever, we went to a movie. My first warning sign was that he smelled like BO when he put his arm around me. He was just awkward and strange in general but we didn’t interact much because of the movie. His dad picked us up from the theater. The dude knew that the child window locks in the car were engaged, and purposefully farted to “test me”(???). I remember violently gagging, his dad unlocking the locks, and never talking to that guy again after that evening. ~ SeriesOfAdjectives

My friend set me up on a blind date. We met in the bar area of a local bar/grill to have drinks and get to know each other.

Things were going GREAT. She laughed at my jokes, she touched my hands while we chatted. We genuinely hit it off.

Then some dude comes over to our table and hits on her. I informed him that we were on a date, and he apologizes to her (completely ignoring me), then adds on “I thought he was maybe your brother of guy friend.” Okay, he was Alpha. Whatever.

She would not drop it. All she did for the next hour was bitch about how rude he was, no matter where I tried to steer the conversation.

Then she gets up to go tell him off, I try to stop her, and she promises to be right back. She goes to the bar and begins laying into him. She stomped and her arms were flapping in rage.

She stayed over there for like 20 minutes, eventually sitting next to him on a stool and laughing at something. They then came over to the table and she asked if I wanted to go out with them to see his new motorcycle.

I said no. I paid my half of the tab (she was under the assumption I was going to pay hers, also) and went home. Half an hour later she called me, mad as hell. She yelled at me for ditching her. I didn’t even have it in me to yell back, so I just hung up. ~ Tralan

Junior year college, miraculously managed to ask out a girl I’d had my eye on for a while. She invites me over to her place for what is clearly a date. I figure we’ll chat for a bit and then pick somewhere else to go. Instead:

1. I show up to her house, walk in, and she instantly introduces me to her parents
2. She improvises a piano piece and asks me to guess what it’s about; I can’t guess so she reveals the theme was “a baby bird using its egg tooth to break out of its shell” – so begins her slowly unfurling obsession with birds
3. She snuggles up unbidden and shows me a bajillion photo albums of all her world travels (lots of birds) without saying anything remotely interesting about any of them; every time I tell a dumb joke to break the silence she laughs way too hard and somehow scoots even closer to me
4. Extreme extreme Christianity casually reveals itself, raising more questions than it answers
5. Her parents leave for a movie and tell us we’ll have the place all to ourselves for a while; they might as well have winked at her
6. She gives me a tour of the upstairs. I’m getting uncomfortable so I invent an excuse to leave. She pauses for a second, puts her leg across the stairwell (blocking me) and says in what must’ve thought was a sexy voice, “Are you sure you can’t stay for just a little longer?”
7. She practically mobs me trying to squeeze in multiple goodbye hugs before I make it out the door
8. She calls me multiple times for the rest of the night, letting me know she had a great time and hoping she didn’t reflect any unchristian values in her behavior. I somehow managed to say everything and nothing all at once and left with a clean conscience

EDIT: to all those saying I was an idiot and missed out on some great sex – just told a female friend this story and she said, “You missed nothing special, she would’ve just starfished and made bird noises.” ~ ibloomblaum

I agreed to go on a date with this guy. Real suave, thinks he’s hot stuff. Golden boy of the campus kind of thing. Dating in the place I was at meant ‘go out to dinner, and then hit the only club in town for a little dancing’. He worked part-time as a marketing adviser for the club, so he tells me in advance that he might need to schmooze for a few minutes while we’re there, but after that he’s ‘all mine’.

Okay, no problem. We get there and he drags me around introducing me to the owner, the dj, the lights guy, every ‘important’ person he could think of to show off to me. Then he has to go do the schmoozing for a bit, so he sticks me in the dj’s booth, making it out like it’s some big honor/VIP thing.

Half an hour later he still hasn’t come back, so I go out on the dance floor to have fun with a couple of my female friends. He immediately rushes over and escorts me back to the dj booth, saying he’ll be just a couple more minutes and asking me to wait, because he doesn’t want any other guys stealing me away.

I play tetris on my phone for another half-hour and then go back to dancing with my friends. He rushes over again and begs me to go back to the booth. I tell him no. He leads me over to a VIP table where a bunch of his friends are sharing bottles of wine and orders me to sit with them if I want company.

I sit with these strangers who show no interest in talking to me for about five minutes, then come to my senses and go dancing again. When he comes over this time, he’s finally ready to dance, but I’m so completely over it that I just tell him I’m not interested any more.

He acts like I’ve shot his dog. He tries to get close to me and put his arms around me, to butter me up or whatever. I tell him the date is over and I don’t want him touching me. He slinks off to his buddies at the VIP table and spends the rest of the night looking mournfully in my direction like a moron. ~ chromaticality

OH! Once, I went on a date with a guy that went really well! …Until he took me to his apartment afterward.

He had a dog that had literally shit all over his bathroom and he didn’t clean it up. I had to step over all the shit to get to the toilet and it was all disgusting. Then his dog ate my necklace and chewed up my shoe.

Two months later, he impregnated a girl with the same name as me. It isn’t a common spelling. ~ hellooolady

I was kinda talking to a girl for a while and she invited me out for a weekend with all of her friends. We drove about 80 miles away from our area and I didnt know a SINGLE person there. When we got to the hotel she just left me in a room full of people I didn’t know. I walk out of the room and see her fucking one of the guys from her group of friends out in the parking lot. In the back of a car. I had to call my mom and ask for money just so I can get my own room.

She then asked if her and some of the other people could crash in my room so they all didnt have to share just one.

Edit: I didn’t leave because I didn’t drive there, and yes I told her to fuck off. ~ drewisawesome14

Went out with this guy who seemed totally normal at first. We went to dinner and then he suggested going to play pool. Ok, sure. So he’s driving us to this dive bar he likes that has pool tables and casually mentions “you’re so cute, I could just kidnap you and keep you forever!” I was young and stupid and thought, he’s totally joking! We played pool at this crappy place and then he goes to drive me home and mentions again, how much he’d like to kidnap me, going into details on how he’d do it. Luckily he took me home and I didn’t talk to him ever again so no kidnapping occurred.

Oh he also mentioned a few times how he loved my Jewish name and how his parents would love it if he “finally brought home a Jew.” I was not Jewish. I told him that more than once. It was a really terrible date. ~ canklesgalore

I went on a date with this guy. After dinner we went back to his apartment to hang out. I went to the bathroom and when I came back out he was masturbating on the couch. I made a beeline for the front door and never saw/spoke to him again.

He didn’t say anything either. ~ Ilvmysailor21

About five years ago I asked this woman out from plenty of fish. We decided to meet up and have dinner at a Montanas. They had a damn good fajita selection at the time!

Anyway, I show up and she looks significantly better than her photos. Now I know this seems like a good thing…. and it was. We really hit it off and after chatting for about 4 hours the restaurant closes. She says she’s really enjoying the evening and wants it to continue. She invites me back to her place to play some super mario! Now as a pretty nerdy gamer dude, that’s the sexiest invitation I’ve ever received. This is some sweet shit.

After a little while she excuses herself to the bathroom. I tunnel vision the game and eventually realize she’s been gone for about 30 minutes. This seems like a pretty long time to go to the bathroom unless there’s some SERIOUS issues with dinner… OR MAYBE SHE’S PUTTING ON SEXY LINGERIE!

I decide to knock on the door. NO ANSWER. Ok, now this is concerning. It’s her condo. It’s not like she tried to ditch me IN HER CONDO. I would have just stayed and eaten all her food if that was the case.

I break into the bathroom and find her passed out on the floor with a rubber band tied around her arm and an empty needle lying on the floor… ~ TeaBurntMyTongue

I think we have a winner!

Check out the rest of the answers and a sometimes even more amazing comments over at Reddit.

Related: An Oral History Of The Time I Got Completely Hammered Before A First Date And Intentionally Acted Like An Asshole

Bad date image by Shutterstock

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Before settling down at BroBible, Douglas Charles, a graduate of the University of Iowa (Go Hawks), owned and operated a wide assortment of websites. He is also one of the few White Sox fans out there and thinks Michael Jordan is, hands down, the GOAT.