Face It. Your Friday Night Is Going To Suck Because Your Friday Night Always Sucks

All week long we work terrible 9-5 jobs in anticipation for Friday night. A chance to unwind from the week that was. A chance to catch up with friends and family. I sit in front of a computer all day, every day, so in my case it’s an opportunity to leave my bed and interact with actual humans, face-to-face. The problem is, Friday night is going to suck. It always has and always will.

If you’re a single man, it’s brutal out here. We’re treated like the scum of the Earth while single ladies have Beyonce anthems dedicated to them and free drinks poured down their unappreciative throats. Bars and clubs have ladies night’s that basically allow them free entrance and free drinks all night while guys are forced to pay by giving up their first born son just to get into the same room. When a group of guys go out on a Friday night, suddenly every place is overcapacity, but when a group of girls go out, there’s a red carpet laid out for them.

Well here’s the thing, if you have any intentions of having sex on a Friday night, I have bad news for you: You’re most likely going home alone. I promise. This goes from married couples to single men across the board. Friday night sex is an oxymoron. Think of the last time you had sex on a Friday night. Your mind literally just goes blank. Never in the history of mankind have two people had coitus on a Friday night. Even before days of the week were an actual thing. It’s physically impossible. The human body just isn’t capable of fornication on a Friday night. This is just an encyclopedia fact.

Here’s what’s actually going to occur. You are going to indulge in as many unhealthy things as you can. Nothing healthy happens on Friday night. No one’s crushing a quick Iron Man marathon on a Friday night. No one (worth having a conversation with) is punching sandbags at crossfit or whatever actually happens during crossfit. People are going out to Chinese buffets and curb stomping their intestines. People are drinking until there are no longer thoughts in their skulls. People are doing coke off of strippers until they either run out of coke or run out of strippers.

You’re going to spend a bad amount of money because, unfortunately, having fun costs money. And often the more fun you start having the more money you start spending. Friday night is date night which means you will spending money on your significant other that you really don’t want to be spending. If you’re going out to bars then not only are you wasting money on drinks but now you have to throw some coin down on transportation. Unless you’re in the NFL in which case drinking and driving appears to be mandatory. Before you go out on a Friday night just be fully prepared to spend twice as much money than you currently have in your wallet.

You will without a doubt get into a fight every single Friday night from now until forever. I don’t necessarily mean you will be getting into a physical altercation unless you’re into that kind of stuff. You are going to piss someone off and get into an argument with someone. Whether it’s your significant other, a friend, a roommate, family, a random rube in a parking lot, you are going to rub someone the wrong way. It doesn’t even have to be an actual argument. Never have I ever not gotten into a passive aggressive argument with someone on a Friday night. Friday just seems to be the day that everyone else jumps on the asshole bandwagon. No mater what you plan on doing Friday night, be ready to apologize to someone on Saturday morning.

Your Friday night is going to suck. It always does and it always will and honestly, that’s okay. I love the disappointment of Friday night and I look forward to it. I look forward to waking up Saturday with a half-eaten slice of pizza under my pillow from 3am the night before. I love noticing that total strangers are celebrating a birthday next to me at the bar and pretending to be best friends with them to get free shots.

Sure, I’m not getting laid and I’m spending an exorbitant amount of money and I’m arguing with everyone. I’d rather be at a weird glow stick party listening to a 3 hour DJ Tiesto song than sitting at work staring at the clock.

[Editor’s note: Someone, ANYONE, please have sex with Lester and please do it on a Friday night. Dude is going through a long Friday night dry spell. It’s clear he’s not at all bitter about it though. So that’s good to see #Sarcasm.]