10 Things I Will Never Ever Take For Granted Again When Sports Return

“People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.”
-Clarissa Wild, Mr. X

I was entitled, spoiled, and unappreciative. I know that now.

I vow to never take the following things for granted as short as I shall live.

CBS NFL RULES ANALYST GENE STERATORE

Gene, you’ve never told me anything that the 39 on-field cameras couldn’t, but if mansplaining the rules to fans who already know them is the cog that gets the football wheel spinning, please remind me what a fumble is again.

TROY AIKMAN LOOKIN’ HIGH AS GIRAFFE BALLS IN THE BOOTH

Troy, no one knows if you belong in Canton or the matinee showing of Ratatouille, but I’ll hand deliver you an ounce of that Josh Gordon Kush before every game if you just shame the Cowboys once more for punting on 4th-and-a-centimeter.

IMAGINE DRAGONS

Never in my life have I yearned to be yelled at again by Russ Hanneman’s favorite band right before a commercial break. Abuse my eardrums.

PIGS-IN-A-BLANKET

An under-appreciated, delightful football delicacy that pair nicely with deli mustard. Eating pigs-in-a-blanket during a non-sporting event is like drinking eggnog in July or having sex outside of the missionary position: just not natural. Football needs to return or I’ll need to make up for 80% of my Sunday diet from September to February.

TRUCK COMMERCIALS

I’ll take that stimulus check and walk my ass right down to the nearest Chevy dealership and buy a 2020 Silverado with enough torque to haul 10 Vince Wilfork’s if it means I can drive it to a tailgate.

YOUR FANTASY TEAM

I’m so sorry I’ve stared blankly at the ground when you detailed the inner-workings of your fantasy club. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. Tell me again how many fractions of a point you lost to a guy I don’t even know in a league I’m not even in. Leave no stone unturned. I’m all ears.

GUILT-FREE BINGE DRINKING

Sucking down cold ones from noon to 11 pm is a lot more easily explainable to the wife when you pair it with your passion. Plus, nothing cures the Monday Blues like projecting vomiting in the handicap stall.

MY WIFE TELLING ME ‘IT’S ONLY A GAME’ AFTER I PUT MY FIST THROUGH THE DRYWALL

I call patching up the hole in the wall a “Quarantine Project,” but my wife calls it a “Troubling Sign Of A Man She Doesn’t Even Recognize Anymore.” She’s so silly.

AVOIDING CALLS FROM MY LANDLORD SEEKING OVERDUE RENT BECAUSE GAMBLING DEBTS PUT ME IN THE RED AND I’M DESPERATELY NEED ANOTHER LINE OF CREDIT BUT I HAVEN’T WORKED UP THE COURAGE TO ASK MY DAD TO CO-SIGN. 

The only thing that brings a father and his 32-year-old son closer together than football is a shared line of credit I plan to wager on a Lions/Skins preseason moneyline.

STUNTING GENUINE SELF-IMPROVEMENT BY POURING ALL MY MENTAL BANDWIDTH INTO SOMETHING I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER AND WILL STATISTICALLY DISAPPOINT ME MORE OFTEN THAN NOT. 

Please, please, please don’t make me do yoga, reflect on my goals, and be more present in relationships. Sounds like hell.