Open Letter to All Teams Participating in the 2014 NCAA Tournament

Hey guys,

I bet you’re really excited to play in the NCAA Tournament. I’m excited to watch it! I just wanted to write to you and wish you luck. I’m sure all your hard work will bring you the success you deserve. So try your best and you’ll be happy with the results no matter what. Oh, and one more thing: don’t fuck me over.

I have money on you. I’m in 4 pools, laid down next month’s rent on an opening round parlay and have a bet with my college roommate where the loser has to do something involving a 9 iron, a George Foreman grill and some face paint.

Look, I get it, you’re 19 years old. You can’t even drink yet. You know who else can’t drink? Me, if you fuck me over because I’ll be poor as shit.

If you lose you’ll cry and they’ll play it on SportsCenter and we’ll all feel bad for you. But they won’t show me. You know why? Because I’ll be curled up on my bathroom floor dry-heaving as I replay your team’s 4-for-31 three point performance in my head. Scott Van Pelt doesn’t care about me!

You know who does care about me? Me. I care about bragging rights. I care about paying my rent. But most of all, I care about eating.

There’s a big difference between slamming a pizza to your face and trying to fill up on sunflower seeds and orange peels; 2009 was a dark time.

Look, it’s not your fault I have a gambling addiction that grips my body in a way that can’t be explained; like an old man clutching to life at amateur night. Just one more dance before I go dammit! IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I plan on heading to the bar at 11am on Thursday morning and I hope to stay there until late into the night. But in order to do that you have to do your job!

Maybe you’re up 10 and think you can coast until the next round. But in my world there is no coasting. A missed free throw, a breakaway dunk, a last second turnover can be the difference between having four fun-ass days and having to talk my way out of giving my bookie Sweet Carl an over the pants HJ.

So take a charge, dive for a loose ball. Do whatever it takes. But most importantly, have fun! You deserve it.

Oh, and please don’t fuck me over.

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[Photo via Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports]