Ahhhh the 2015 Home Run Derby…because why not get drunk on a Monday night with your Bros and watch some of the best baseball players in the world hit some moonshots?
Take One Drink (of your favorite beer):
Every time the word “rookie” is said – there’s two in this year’s field (Joc Pederson and Kris Bryant).
Every time any commentator discusses the new format for this year’s derby.
Every time a player goes yard. That’s why we’re watching this thing anyway, right?
Every time an All-Star is shown taking a video, selfie, picture, etc.
Every time the broadcast crew talks about Alex Rodriguez getting snubbed from this year’s All-Star game.
Every time “America,” “American,” or any other variation of our nation’s name is said. You know they’re playing this at Great American Ballpark, right?
Every time a kid appearing to be under 12 makes a spectacular catch – on the field or in the stands.
For every “back, back, back” you get from Chris Berman. Just kidding, don’t do that. You’ll probably die, like literally.
Take Two Drinks:
For every home run that travels over 450 feet.
Every time a player from your favorite team goes deep. If your team isn’t represented tonight, chug a fucking beer right now.
For every international flag you’ll see waving at Great American Ballpark.
Every time MLB Insider Buster Olney mentions the Red Sox or the Yankees. We don’t think we’ve ever seen him do a bit that didn’t involve either.
Every time sports gambling, Pete Rose, the baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown or any of the three combined are mentioned.
Any time a player exceeds 10 home runs in a round.
Take a Shot (of your favorite liquor):
If any two or more of those pesky kids running around in the outfield happen to collide.
Every time something to the affect of, “if Bryce Harper or Giancarlo Stanton were here, this would be a different derby,” is said.
If any two players break out a really cool handshake.
Anytime a relative of a player is shown for more than 10 seconds.
For any potential home run that gets robbed at the wall.
At the point in the broadcast where Kruk inevitably mentions the success of the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies…or any Phillies team for that matter.
For every piece of new, wildly expensive, yet totally unnecessary piece of new technology ESPN will debut.
Finish Your Drink:
If a player’s dad is throwing to him in tonight’s derby.
If Todd Frazier makes it out of the first round.
For any perfectly executed bat flip, or a broken bat.
Any time a Ken Griffey Jr. highlight is shown…It doesn’t matter if it’s for the Mariners or the Reds.
Anytime your friend complains “we’re drinking too much.”
If any of the contestants breaks a Home Run Derby record.
For any good old fashioned whiff.
If an American born player wins the Derby, because, well, ‘Merica.