The 5 Life Stages Of Post-Divorce Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler is a single man for the first time in over a decade.

While we are encouraged that decision was made “with love,” we are bracing ourselves for the roller coaster that lay ahead for post-divorce Jay Cutler.

STAGE 1:  JAY SLOTH 

• Jay increases his online streaming of deer eating out of feeders by way of infrared cameras by 300%. There’s just something about watching a hoofed ruminant mammal eating bird seed that gets Jay’s blood flowing like the most attractive person on Laguna Beach never could.

 

• Jay is smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, which is very on-brand, the only difference now is he’s doing it in the house with the windows up and straight down to the filter.

 

• Jay accepts a Skype interview with FOX Sports, but the network hangs up when they notice a giant Sharpie penis and scrotum drawn on his forehead. Jay got so bent off cheap liquor while watching Bambi by himself the night before, that he graffitied his own melon.

STAGE 2: JAY GLOW UP

• Jay is starting to feel strong enough to heal from the deep wounds of lost love. He accepts a job in the booth at the local high school to sharpen his broadcasting skills and because they allow him to show up at halftime after getting plastered in the parking lot.

 

• Jay begins dipping his feet in the dating waters, and he starts seeing the older sister of the school’s quarterback, only to never call her again after she brings up the prospect of him meeting her friends.

 

• Jay starts to prioritize his health, taking the stairs in his home rather than the elevator twice a week.

STAGE 3: JAY PEAK

• FOX Sports knows the public is a sucker for a good comeback story and offers Jay a primetime broadcasting job, where he quickly becomes the network’s most marketable personality for popularizing the phrase, “Are we done yet?”

 

• Jay activates his apathetic charm to steal Olivia Culpo away from Christian McCaffrey and she tells Page Six that Jay is “hung like a Hall of Famer.”

 

• Jay wins the 837th season of Dancing with the Stars without bending his knees.

 

• Jay reclaims his title of “World’s Sexiest Head of Hair.”

 

STAGE 4: JAY FALL HARD

• The pressures of stardom drive Jay to grow a stress-induced pony tail.

 

• Jay marries Lindsay Lohan in a Las Vegas ceremony neither of them remember.

 

• Paparazzi photograph Jay leaving Orchids of Asia Day Spa smoking a cigarette with what appears to be an erection.

 

• Jay is apprehended by authorities after he attempts to sell a tobacco-less vape cartridges to an undercover cop in a Radio Shack parking lot.

STAGE 5: JAY SERENITY 

• Jay reflects during his four days in county jail and decides to moderate his drinking and open the window when smoking indoors.

 

• Jay realizes that the broadcasting booth is not for him, and follows his passion as a freelance videographer, specializing in Deer Doing Uninteresting Shit.

 

• Jay has learned that relationships are about sacrifice, and has become open to the friends of his partner looking him briefly in the eye.

 

• Jay takes comfort knowing that people grow apart, relationships fail, and it’s better to love and lost than to never love at all. He is still holding out hope he and Kristin can become friends with benefits.