It’s the greatest day of the whole year: Super Bowl Sunday. Do you watch football? Not really. You’ve spent Sundays for the past 5 months watching reruns of Law and Order: SVU and eating your mom’s homemade baked ziti. But that all changes tonight. There are two unwritten rules to being an American: 1) You drink large quantities of beer 2) You watch the Super Bowl.
Wherever you find yourself Sunday night, the pressure will be on. In case you don’t have the chance to get your hands on “Super Bowl Sunday for Dummies,” here’s a Step-by-step guide to mastering the art of faking your way through Super Bowl Sunday:
1) Prior to the game, bet money you don’t have on a team you’ve never seen play. (Bonus points if they win)
2) Tweet about the game with a hashtag declaring your stance. Fill in the blanks #_Nation #Beat_
3) If you don’t have a jersey of either of the participating teams, wear a neutral color. No one will know that your neon green t-shirt is a cover up for your lack of sports knowledge.
4) Consume a disgusting amount of buffalo wings.
5) Nothing blows your cover like a misplaced clap. Never start one, only follow along.
6) Constantly update social media with unwanted play-by-plays.
7) Display emotions for these men in uniform that you won’t show on your wedding day.
8) Following the end of the game, order a jersey of the winning team. (Overnight shipping is the key to successful Front-Running)
9) After the hype settles down, proceed to go back to your life of normalcy and men’s rugby or whatever it is that you watch. Repeat process again in exactly 1 year.
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