The 11 Types Of Bros You Are Guaranteed To See At Every Fantasy Football Draft
The NFL preseason is underway, which means that NFL football is only weeks away from taking over your life. More importantly, though, it means that fantasy football is already taking over your life.
Yes, it’s that time of year when bros all around the country, dare I say the world even, gather to select their teams for the new season, which of course means that everyone will get drunk and the whole thing will take ten hours longer than it should, but let’s face it, that’s part of the fun of it.
And while you’re drafting and drinking drafts (wordplay!) be sure to remain on the lookout for these eleven bros that you see at every fantasy football draft. Which one are you?
The Rules Lawyer
This dude kinda sucks because he spends the whole time acting like everyone’s mother and making sure the draft runs smoothly and efficiently, sort of like Mussolini with his precious trains. On the other hand, he makes sure that, well, that the draft runs smoothly and efficiently. Without him, you’d just be sitting around drinking for days at a time, still stuck in the first round with nobody sure who drafted Adrian Peterson because you got distracted by your bro’s story about getting drunk with Gronk in Miami before waking up on a flotilla halfway to Havana. Classic Gronk. The point, dear friends, is that in order for the draft to function at all, there have to be rules, and the Rules Lawyer is the dude who makes sure they are followed.
The Human Game Delay
This is the dude who tells the Gronk story, and while it’s funny and awesome, he does this every round, he never knows when it’s his pick and he’ll disappear to the bathroom for a half hour to do god knows what while you’re waiting for him to make said pick. He’s a pretty fun dude, but he has the attention span of a coked up gnat.
Let’s face it, just sitting around and picking football players for hours at a time can get boring as hell, so you need your bros to liven things up. Enter the comedian. The good news is that he’ll have everyone laughing with his takes on your shitty picks, his Romo jokes and even that risky Roethlisberger joke he manages to make work. The bad news is that he will keep doing this, he won’t ever stop, and by the time he’s ragging on your kicker in the final round, your biggest football fantasy will involve your foot and his balls.
The Most Serious Man on Earth
This dude doesn’t have time for the comedian’s bullshit jokes. This isn’t fun and games! This is serious business. This is fantasy fucking football! He’s here to win, and if that means he has to piss in your empty beer bottles (he’s not about to drink and fog up his mind, gotta stay sharp!) in order to avoid going to the bathroom and missing anything, then so be it.
The Smartest Man in the Room
This dude knows everything about every player, and perhaps more importantly, he has an opinion about all of them. Oh, you better believe he has an opinion. In fact, it seems like the only reason he even enjoys the draft is because it gives him an excuse to flaunt all that knowledge and tell everyone why their picks are shit. Of course, all of his picks are brilliant. Never mind that he finishes in 7th place every year. He knows better than you.
This guy got dragged into the league because you needed an extra body to even up the numbers. Maybe he’s that dude you kinda know from work. Or maybe he’s just an old friend that wants a reason to hang out with his bros. Whoever he is, this dude doesn’t really follow football, but he’ll give it a try! The next thing you know, he’s fumbling around awkwardly, trying to fit in, laughing at jokes he doesn’t understand and trying to convince you that the mock draft he printed off ESPN.com will be his secret weapon. Just try to indulge him, make him feel welcome, and just nod your head when he calls Tom Brady “That guy who’s married to Gisele.”