The NFL preseason is underway, which means that NFL football is only weeks away from taking over your life. More importantly, though, it means that fantasy football is already taking over your life.
Yes, it’s that time of year when bros all around the country, dare I say the world even, gather to select their teams for the new season, which of course means that everyone will get drunk and the whole thing will take ten hours longer than it should, but let’s face it, that’s part of the fun of it.
And while you’re drafting and drinking drafts (wordplay!) be sure to remain on the lookout for these eleven bros that you see at every fantasy football draft. Which one are you?
The Rules Lawyer
This dude kinda sucks because he spends the whole time acting like everyone’s mother and making sure the draft runs smoothly and efficiently, sort of like Mussolini with his precious trains. On the other hand, he makes sure that, well, that the draft runs smoothly and efficiently. Without him, you’d just be sitting around drinking for days at a time, still stuck in the first round with nobody sure who drafted Adrian Peterson because you got distracted by your bro’s story about getting drunk with Gronk in Miami before waking up on a flotilla halfway to Havana. Classic Gronk. The point, dear friends, is that in order for the draft to function at all, there have to be rules, and the Rules Lawyer is the dude who makes sure they are followed.
The Human Game Delay
This is the dude who tells the Gronk story, and while it’s funny and awesome, he does this every round, he never knows when it’s his pick and he’ll disappear to the bathroom for a half hour to do god knows what while you’re waiting for him to make said pick. He’s a pretty fun dude, but he has the attention span of a coked up gnat.
The Comedian
Let’s face it, just sitting around and picking football players for hours at a time can get boring as hell, so you need your bros to liven things up. Enter the comedian. The good news is that he’ll have everyone laughing with his takes on your shitty picks, his Romo jokes and even that risky Roethlisberger joke he manages to make work. The bad news is that he will keep doing this, he won’t ever stop, and by the time he’s ragging on your kicker in the final round, your biggest football fantasy will involve your foot and his balls.
The Most Serious Man on Earth
This dude doesn’t have time for the comedian’s bullshit jokes. This isn’t fun and games! This is serious business. This is fantasy fucking football! He’s here to win, and if that means he has to piss in your empty beer bottles (he’s not about to drink and fog up his mind, gotta stay sharp!) in order to avoid going to the bathroom and missing anything, then so be it.
The Smartest Man in the Room
This dude knows everything about every player, and perhaps more importantly, he has an opinion about all of them. Oh, you better believe he has an opinion. In fact, it seems like the only reason he even enjoys the draft is because it gives him an excuse to flaunt all that knowledge and tell everyone why their picks are shit. Of course, all of his picks are brilliant. Never mind that he finishes in 7th place every year. He knows better than you.
The Non-Fan
This guy got dragged into the league because you needed an extra body to even up the numbers. Maybe he’s that dude you kinda know from work. Or maybe he’s just an old friend that wants a reason to hang out with his bros. Whoever he is, this dude doesn’t really follow football, but he’ll give it a try! The next thing you know, he’s fumbling around awkwardly, trying to fit in, laughing at jokes he doesn’t understand and trying to convince you that the mock draft he printed off ESPN.com will be his secret weapon. Just try to indulge him, make him feel welcome, and just nod your head when he calls Tom Brady “That guy who’s married to Gisele.”
The Scientist
Charts? This guy’s got ‘em. Graphs? You better fucking believe it, pal. This guy’s just gonna sit there with his laptop and win this thing using math or witchcraft or whatever they’re teaching up at that fancy college he went to for three whole semesters. You’re gonna draft Gronk because he’s Gronk. He’s gonna draft Gronk because he understands Gronk’s exact value proximate to other tight end targets, which he’s also gonna measure relative to the NFL’s rising passing rate over the last decade. I suggest “accidentally” spilling beer on his laptop.
The Defending Champ
He moves with a cocky swagger, talks with the effortless confidence of a man who only knows victory, and he smiles a knowing smile as you make your precious little picks. That is because he is a champion. He’s probably a multi-time champion, the golden god of your league. He gets first pick of all the fantasy football groupies, crushes ass that would make Brady and Gronk weep with envy, and on Monday morning he’ll smile at you, pat you on the shoulder and say “Better luck next time, pal.” He is the fantasy football champion, and that means something. It does! Come on, stop laughing at me, you guys. It means something!
The Rookie
The rookie is different from the non-fan in that he’s got tons of football knowledge all stored up and ready to go. Maybe this is his first time playing fantasy football for some crazy reason. Or maybe this is just his first time playing in your league after years of dominating the minors. Who knows? All you know is that this dude is a wildcard. You don’t know what he’s going to bring to the table, and that makes you a little nervous. Get him drunk, try to shake up his game. Stab him in an alley when his picks are a little too good. Look, I can’t tell you what to do here. I can only tell you to stay frosty, bros. Stay frosty.
The Unfrozen Caveman
This poor fool still thinks it’s 2006. It’s like he’s been frozen in time and hasn’t seen a down of football in all the time that’s passed since. You know you’re gonna be in for a long night when he tries to draft Shaun Alexander in the first round. He’ll laugh when he manages to snag Donovan McNabb in the 12th round. Just laugh along with him, the poor bastard. And then dazzle him with dark magic like your smartphone. Assure him his Paris Hilton jokes are totally timely and funny. He’s been through so much.
The Nervous Breakdown
Oh god, I was totally counting on either getting Odell Beckham, Jr. or Antonio Brown and now they’re both gone and everyone is getting impatient and… come on, man, just pick someone already. Okay… Golden Tate. Oh shit, everyone’s laughing. I’ll try to explain that he’ll get more touches with Calvin Jones out and… oh no, someone else just drafted Todd Gurley, this is all falling apart so fast and I don’t know what to do and maybe it will help if I vomit… hang on… no, that didn’t work, and now everyone is yelling at me and telling me to clean this shit up and I have to find some towels and no, not the good towels, you idiot! It’s my turn to pick again and I don’t know who’s already been picked and okay, I’ll take Gronk and everyone’s laughing again because I guess he was already picked and I think I just peed myself a little and now they’re making me wait out in the car and they’ll just have somebody pick for me and I told my wife that I was going to win it all this year and I think she might leave me if I finish last again and oh god, this must be why my dad never told me he loved me.
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