CONGRATULATIONS To Bryce Harper On Getting Engaged Again! But Don’t Do It!

by 3 years ago

Congratulations to Bryce Harper! Apparently the Washington Nationals slugger got engaged to his lovely girlfriend Kayla Varner (For the second time). Kayla posted a photo on her Instagram on Wednesday night at the ESPYs with the caption, “ESPYS last night with my love. So proud of you, B! Oh and WERE ENGAGED… Again 💍✨ #TheSequel #AllStarBreak”

Harper posted a photo with his new fiancée and he said, “What a week it has been! Thanks to everybody who was involved and made this week possible #OnToTheNext”

The lovebirds were previously engaged and even set a wedding date of January 2, 2015, but they never walked down the aisle.

They are high school sweethearts and they are in love, and that’s terrific. But Bryce, you’re the best player in baseball and so young! Reconsider! RECONSIDER!

Girls are crying over the fact that you got engaged.

I understand that Harper is Mormon, and he may be inclined to get married and start popping out kids. But maybe put that on hold until you’re 35. You’ll have plenty of time to be married, but maybe just put those marriage plans on ice for a decade or so.

I’m not shitting on marriage. I think marriage is awesome. I just think marriage works best for guys who are at least 30-years-old, make less than $1 million a year and somehow managed to land a beautiful woman who is out of their league. Bryce is a handsome man with a great head of hair, who is only 23-years-old, and will make $5 million this year.

Not to mention, Harper was the unanimously-voted NL MVP last year when he posted a ridiculous 9.9 WAR. He was the 2012 Rookie of the Year.

And by the way, Bryce is eligible for arbitration in 2017, and will be a free agent in 2019. His agent is the cutthroat Scott Boras, and he will be assuredly do all that he can to get his client the most coin as humanly possible.

Esteemed baseball journalist Jon Heyman speculates on just how preposterous Harper’s contract could be:

The Nats have heard the whispers that the asking price may be $40 to $50 million a year, and perhaps for 15 years (that could make it as much as an astounding $750 million).

That’s a lotta dimp.

Do you really want part with half of $500-750 million if your once blessed marriage ends in a bitter divorce?

Bryce, call me, we can talk about your options.

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