Last Fourth of July, Bryce Harper performed the most patriotic act we’ve seen since George Washington stealthy rowed across the Delaware River in the middle of a frigid night to surprise the Hessians at Trenton.
What did Harper do? He smacked a home run with an American flag bat. If you think you can name something more American, you’re flat out wrong.
Why didn’t he drop another one this year? Because Major League Baseball, the dour King George III to Harper’s pugnacious Hamilton, told him his flag bat didn’t conform to league standards.
IT HAS THE FUCKING STATUE OF LIBERTY ON IT. HOW IS THAT ILLEGAL?
Harper did not hit a home run yesterday, with his stupid normal bat, and I demand that we immediately revive the late Senator Joseph McCarthy to commission a hearing for his House Un-American Activities Committee, because MLB needs to explain its actions under oath.
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