Confessions Of A Collegiate Lacrosse Goalie


Editor’s NoteA college lacrosse goalie by the name of Martin Stephenson  e-mailed us this random list this week. We figured it’s worth sharing with lacrosse season in full swing. Reminder to e-mail us your random shit here

1. Waking up with bruises, which is normal when your dad is a functioning alcoholic and wants to wrestle when he gets hopped up on malt liquor.

2. I don’t know how it is for other Goalies, but I am one of the fastest and most conditioned on my team, and I sit around most of my nights huffing paint while engulfing more pizza than a female who doesn’t understand why people don’t find her attractive.

3. When I am at a party, I never had to worry about shit, I just snap my fingers and a freshman brings me a beer, I have total control I AM THE PEYTON MANNING OF THE LAX TEM AND I CLEAR BOMBS TO ATTACKMAN ON THE CREASE

4. Tequila makes me take my pants off and urinate on stop signs.

5. I never flinch, I clench.

6. Being a goalie I’m treated like a fucking king. People buy me shots, offer to take me to school, girls flock to me( thanks to the help of my bros talking me up even though they don’t need to) jokes on them though I don’t last long.

7. The whole deal with sweatpants. Why should I wear them? If I want to have a piece of clothing the width of a piece of hair stopping a 95+ mph shot to my bare skin I would have covered myself with Kim Kardashians saggy ass.

8.      Im a senior, and we have two freshman goalies who have the pleasure of having my guidance in teaching them how not to suck. Thing is one of them is pretty decent and straight up told me he was coming for my spot( which he wont because I am a captain). But its funny I notice that some of my animalistic characteristics come out while at practice. I hate a hard shot straight to the chest you know why BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING LION AND I WILL RIP YOUR FACE OPEN AND MEOW THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR LION GIRLFRIEND.

9. I’m allergic to cats.

10. My attitude towards people comes off as being an asshole but fuck it why should I be nice to kids? I put my body on the line for my team MY TEAM, my family, for every second I am in that crease. If I chew you out its because my second slide is a little late and 1×1 with me and I don’t save it don’t you DARE get made at me. As one of the scariest most respected m I have ever met once told me “you are gonna get scored on who gives a shit”, you should understand I am cursing you out because I care not because I hate you. I just hate most people. I’m like that drunk guy who drops the F bomb to much and pisses in someone’s closet at a party, you don’t get mad at his actions you just say “ oh that silly little shithead, that’s my goalie.”

11. I like candy.

12. I hate when I get scored on 1×1 and I tip it into the goal, I got a piece but fuck me right?

13. I had 6 games this season with 20+ saves. That is unacceptable that I am taking on that many shots but hey when I make that nasty split save I can see the ladies in the stands taking their panties off and throwing them at me. I rule.

14. I am the only person on my team who can get away with cursing. ASS BALLS.

15. I eat ice cream the night before every game. My coach has bought me ice cream because he knows it’s my ritual. I eat more ice cream during a season that a fat chick watching a One Tree Hill marathon.