Cowboys Fans’ Pants Just Got A Little Tighter After Hearing News Of Ron Rivera Hitting The Market

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Jason Garrett is circling the drain and Ron Rivera’s pee stream may have just expedited the process.

The Carolina Panthers’ winningest coach and a two-time NFL Coach of the Year proved once again why being a head coach in the NFL is as secure as an unattended Epstein prison cell. A loss to a two-win Redskins team on Sunday was the boot out the door for Rivera, who secured three division titles and a Super Bowl appearance in his nine-year tenure.

How soon they forget…

Jason Garrett needs this news like he needs root canal from Edward Scissorhands. Garrett is a snow white bunny in the middle of the room and Jerry Jones is the python stretching along the perimeter, toying with him.

Rivera provides an accomplished replacement for Garrett that could easily gain support from Cowboys fans currently punching through their drywall, despite (or maybe because?) their resumes are eerily similar.

Both began full-time head coaching with their respective teams in 2011.

Jason Garrett: 78-62, 3 division titles

Ron Rivera: 76-63-1, 3 division titles, 1 Super Bowl appearances and two-time Coach of the Year

Cowboys fans are eager to wish away their current head coach without even considering his clapping amounts for 20% of AT&T Stadium crowd noise.

https://twitter.com/mattgn084/status/1201990698280607745?s=20

https://twitter.com/notjeffgarreans/status/1202209279371071501?s=20

https://twitter.com/MrNelson82/status/1201978757566869504?s=20

Remind me to never become a head coach in the NFL and to stick to pop warner where I’ve been underachieving for decades.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.