Curt Schilling Casually Talking About Banging His Wife In The Booth Last Night Is Why Baseball Is Still America’s Sport

The average baseball game runs for a shade over three hours. The amount of actual action hovers around 18 minutes. With over two and a half hours of downtime, how can you not talk about fucking your wife? It’s more amazing to me that Tim McCarver and Dick Enberg have carved out nice careers for themselves without mention of even fingering their wives, nevermind boning them. I mean, Dick, you’re name is Dick. You already have a headstart into the conversation. Be better.

But Schilling, like a bat of of hell, completely without cue or laughter from his co-announcers, gives the American people a glimpse into the bedroom of a three-time World Series champion and his bombshell of a wife. Fuck Jason Heyward’s home run count, how many times have you went yard, Schilling? We should grab a beer sometime. Have your wife bring a friend.

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Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.