After playing for 13 years and having a more than solid MLB career, recently retired pitcher Dan Haren took to Twitter today to tell some of his followers about a few moments that occurred during his time in the big leagues—and may have won the fucking Internet by doing so.
Rather than waste time putting together a tell-all tale about what goes on in a pro athlete’s head, Haren used 140 characters to describe some hilarious stories that set Twitter on fire during a stationary bike ride.
Here’s a small sampling of what the former hurler had to say.
My threat to retire didn't quite work last offseason
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
I gave up 11 runs in Toronto and got the win one time.
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
One of my favorite moment ever was hitting a homer off Chris carpenter. I took my time running the bases.
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
When your 1st baseman is pushing 300lb's, you gotta bust your ass over. https://t.co/yFvxO2J2lJ
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
I went into almost every start the last few years thinking… How the hell am I gonna get these guys out
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
I only hit like 5-7 people on purpose.
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
https://twitter.com/ithrow88/status/684076108434640896?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
https://twitter.com/ithrow88/status/684074173161803776?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
There's was atleast 3-4 times I thought the team plane was gonna crash.
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
My personal favorites might be Haren’s only superstition and pregame ritual of plugging himself up from shitting by taking Imodium before starts.
I had to take Imodium most days I pitched to plug myself up. 💩
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
My only superstition was to make sure I had 2 glasses of wine the night before I pitched. This ties in with the Imodium,
— dan haren (@ithrow88) January 4, 2016
Dan Haren is going to fall short of the Hall of Fame on the baseball field, but off of the diamond he’s the leader in the clubhouse for hilarious tweets. Kudos, dude.
[H/T CBS Sports, Bleacher Report]