Sports

The Important National Debate You Should Be Tuning Into Is Whether Or Not Zion Williamson Is Fat

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Life expectancy is consistently declining. The planet is burning. We’re still using condoms.

Of all the pressing issues of the day, there is no more important debate for the survival of mankind than to argue over whether Zion Williamson–one of the most impressive physical specimen on the planet–is a fat fuck who needs a ramp installed in his Dodge Caravan.

No one was more interested in Zion’s figure than Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson, who were given the honor of announcing Zion’s first NBA game on Wednesday night. It took less time for the duo to bring up Williamson’s weight than it does for Zion to make it up a flight of steps.

Analysts Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy did not take long to go there. The duo said it was clear that Williamson looked heavier than the last time they had seen him and that he needed to trim down after the 44-game absence to start his NBA career. They continued that they could not believe he had gained eight pounds of muscle in a week after resuming working out and questioned whether 285 pounds was even accurate.

Jackson said he would have taken Ja Morant, the No. 2 pick who is starring for the Grizzlies, over Williamson. [via NY Post]

ESPN even created a graphic for it, which it looks like Zion is trying to eat like the tubba he is.

https://twitter.com/tonestradamus/status/1220178170005131265?s=20

The whole thing spawned a really stupid debate on Twitter about hurting Zion’s feelings and causing him to descend further into addiction. It even earned itself a 350-word think piece.

Sports Illustrated


But it did bring some gold. I scrolled down Twitter for longer than I like to admit laughing at all the content created from Mark Jackson treating Zion like Weensie from Old School.

If you don’t laugh at these videos, you need conversion therapy.

https://twitter.com/TheyCallMeYDG/status/1220199173724745729?s=20

BONUS: The discussion over fat players gifted us with this gem, highlights of Sir Charles at Auburn.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.
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