Being the commissioner of a fantasy football league can be stressful. You’re force to put up with shit that people with an actual life don’t want to deal with. No one likes begging people to pay their fucking league dues week after week, nor do they want to babysit children who try to collude once people’s teams start tanking and making the playoffs is little more than a dream. This type of behavior happens in all leagues, especially those where everyone involved is friends.
Today, Deadspin obtained an email that was sent by a first-time fantasy football commissioner to his league of misfits. Suffice it to say, I don’t think he will be running the league again after this meltdown.
When I first started this league I thought it was going to be a blast. I invited 11 of my friends to play fantasy football with me an activity I quite enjoyed. That is no longer the case. Over the last 13 weeks or so I have endured a myriad of unforeseen but utterly preventable problems. The list includes: 3 attempted briberies, 2 calls for my resignation, 1 call for my impeachment, 3 separate people questioning my friendship and integrity, countless of you coming to my work to complain about the league, and 1 obvious count of collusion. This all reached a boiling point over this last week when two of our owners contrived a plan in order to improve one team (via a lopsided trade) just so the other owner could get into the trade pool. When I asked the two about the trade they told me that if I did not put the trade through they wanted their money back. As I had not received an complaints from other owners I allowed the trade. After that however I received a slew of complaints from other owners. I am going to reverse this trade, that decision is final. Now before all of you get up in arms I would like to remind you of one very important point. This is just fantasy football. We are playing for $300 which is nothing to sneeze at but come on is it really important enough to cheat out your friends and colleagues? I must be the poorest and youngest of all you and I make that in two days work. You people are all out of your fucking minds. I cannot explain how utterly miserable this year of fantasy football has been. I considered all of you to be friends and people that I cared about but apparently the lure of $300 is too great and nothing like friendship or decency could get in the way. Needless to say this will be my first and last year as your commissioner. I will be withdrawing my name from the trade pool. As the playoffs are starting next week there will be no more trade. I have drawn for the pool and Ike, you win, congratulations. I would also like to use this time to let those of you who care know that I will not be in the golf league next year. I’m sure you’re all broken up about this. If anyone has any questions or complaints go ahead and write them on a piece of paper, find a nice envelope, and shove it up your ass. Best of luck in the playoffs.
Whoa, whoa, WHOA! I understand why he’d want to stop playing in a fantasy football league with these asshats, but to remove himself from the golf league is just insanity.