You’ve probably already thought to consult friends or relatives in Cleveland or Jacksonville. I’d assume they have citywide block parties for Weeks 11-17 every year to help dull the pain.
But if you’re stuck suffering through the last two games of a meaningless regular season and the postseason that follows, we have some tips that will help make the experience tolerable.
Get in time with the girlfriend
There’s a special interest group for everything these days. If I see one more Facebook post about saving the misunderstood, feminist pit bulls in the rainforest, I’m quitting social media.
But where’s the love and concern for the average Bro sitting next to a girl who’s asking him if he likes her boots on a critical third down?
If your team is bounced from the postseason, there is hope. Use the obligatory Sunday matchup as an opportunity to “fall on your sword.”
You love her enough to miss that “crucial late season” game that you’ve been talking about since October.
Her sister’s boyfriend isn’t out shopping, he’s home on the couch. He may be a Broncos fan, but on this day he’s just an asshole.
If she doesn’t watch football she’ll have no idea that you’re passing up nothing. But the brownie points you earn will keep you out of the apple orchard or the cider mill during Week 1.
This one seems to be the answer for everything these days and for good reason. I could have been enjoying an encore presentation of House of Cards last Sunday and still thrown as many touchdown passes as Eli Manning.
Offseason Sundays are the ideal time to get a set in. You likely don’t have work or anywhere else that you need to be for the majority of the day.
But during the season, there are three full sets of games to watch. Good luck getting up early enough to accomplish anything productive before 1 p.m.
But now you can get jacked in January. Do you care if you miss the first four drives of a meaningless Week 16 game? Will missing some time in front of RedZone be an issue?
Didn’t think so.
Actually enjoy the playoffs/Super Bowl
If my team is in the postseason, I’m in lockdown. Don’t call me during the game. Don’t text me every play and ask for my opinion. Watching a playoff or Super Bowl matchup is not a social activity.
But if you don’t have a horse in the race, there’s no reason to shun sunlight and the company of others. Hit up that Super Bowl party, flirt with the Seahawks fan’s girlfriend because she’s not getting any attention and openly cringe as Bruno Mars ruins football.
The NFL Draft gets a ridiculous amount of hype. It’s a beacon of hope in the post-March Madness apocalypse that is the sports landscape. Yes, you’re going to have to sit through meaningless April-June MLB matchups and the eternity of the NBA playoffs, but this NFL appetizer is your salvation from the pits of Little League World Series Hell.
Barring trades, a team that was thriving in January and February isn’t going to give you much to get excited about come mock draft time. If you’re club is getting a top 10 selection, enjoy the excitement and drama that comes with seeing just how incorrect Mel Kiper Jr. can possibly be.