Did you miss Raw last night because you were too busy checking out dresses at the Met Gala? Here’s a recap…
Cesaro and the endless elbow turnbuckles
Tyson Kidd & Cesaro DEFEAT The Ascension. Poor Ascension. Poor, poor Ascension. I feel like The Ascension would’ve been in much better shape if it wasn’t for JBL and the Raw announce team shitting on them every time they’re onscreen. The Ascension always look dominant in their matches and they continue to against Kidd and Cesaro. Cesaro gets tagged in and absolutely explodes on The Ascension. Cesaro throws Victor into the corner and elbows him, then does it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Seriously, look it up if you can, it went on for at least thirty seconds. Cesaro pulls off the win with the Cesaro Swing followed by a Kidd dropkick!
Dean Ambrose VS Seth Rollins. Period!
Dean Ambrose DEFEATS Seth Rollins. This match honestly should’ve been the main event. Before the match starts, Kane shows up and says that there needs to be “a point” to this match. So NOW, if Dean Ambrose wins this match then Dean Ambrose will be added to the WWE Championship match at Payback, making it a Fatal Four. Dean Ambrose tries to pick up the quick win with a rollup but Seth Rollins kicks out at two. This match then goes from zero to sixty immediately. I’m amazed this match wasn’t the main event! Go watch the match right now. Seriously. Open another tab. Watch it. Then finish reading this article. Go ahead. I’ll wait…
…I KNOW, RIGHT!!!?!?! The WWE Championship match will now be a Fatal Four Way match with Seth Rollins, Randy Orton, Roman Reigns, and Dean Ambrose.
Backstage, Seth Rollins is livid. Kane says that this is all about making him a better champion. You know, it’s tough love, ya’ll.
Bret Hart shows up to accept the US Heavyweight Championship challenge
You’ll see…keep reading
Lana does Fandango(ing)
Sad pants Byron Saxton then introduces Lana and asks her about the I Quit match at Payback between John Cena and Rusev. Fandango interrupts and gives Lana a quick lesson on how to embrace the WWE Universe.
Rusev DEFEATS Fandango: Rusev and Lana have basically become the new Miz and Damien Mizdow when it comes to crowd reactions. Is that a good thing? Rusev throws Fandango out of the ring and Fandango starts Fandangoing in front of Lana and gets her to join in which angers Poppa Rusev and he sends Lana to her room without any dessert. Fandango then gets some quick offense on Rusev but Rusev EXPLODES out of no where and makes Fandango tap out via The Accolade.
Opening Segment: Randy Orton makes his way to the ring and he’s not alone!! HE BROUGHT HIS PROMO MOOD LIGHTING WITH HIM!! Orton talks about how he is going to get payback on Seth Rollins and how it seems fitting for the name of the Pay Per View. Reigns makes his way through the crowd and says that if anyone is going to get payback on Seth Rollins, it’s going to be Reigns. Also, side note, every time I walk down NYC subway steps, I hum the Roman Reigns’ theme song. Every. Single Time. Reigns and Orton then have a dick measuring contest with each other by talking about how many titles they’ve won, how many Wrestlemanias they’ve been in, and how many hamburgers they can eat. The New Day interrupts for God knows what reason, but it eventually leads to a match between Orton & Reigns vs New Day in a 3-on-2 handicap match.
Sick “Montreal Boo-hoo Job” burn by Xavier Woods
New Day interrupts Randy Orton’s opening monologue Xavier Woods says all the negativity has to stop and a “New Day sucks” chant starts. Woods says nobody cares about Reigns and Orton’s Montreal Boo-job.
Here’s the rest of the Raw recap…
The New Day DEFEAT Randy Orton/Roman Reigns: Orton and Reigns put their opening promo segment aside for the time being to work together to take on The New Day and Randy Orton FINALLY gets a chance to avenge that new car that Kofi Kingston trashed all those years ago. The New Day keep their opponents in their corner by using the numbers game to their advantage. Big E looks mighty impressive by manhandling both Orton and Reigns with multiple belly to belly suplexes. Also, in a strange turn of events the Montreal crowd didn’t get the memo that chanting “CM PUNK” isn’t cool anymore…and now, my impression of some WWE fans still hopelessly waiting for CM Punk to return…
Anyway, back to the match. Orton begins to go on an RKO spree and accidentally gets speared by Roman Reigns. New Day (Sucks) picks up the win!
Kane comes down post match and says that he can tell how Reigns & Orton have tension between each other, so in the main event, it will be Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns.
Backstage, Seth Rollins spots Kane and says that he is like a little kid who has been bad all year and tries to make up for it all by trying to be good the night before Christmas. Kane says that he celebrated Christmas differently than normal people by waiting for Santa in the chimney with a blowtorch trying to roast his chestnuts…which really makes you wonder how Kane celebrated Easter. Kane then makes a match between Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose with J&J Security banned from ringside and Seth Rollins throws a lil temper tantrum and walks away.
Ryback gives a terrible promo and even gets a “GOLDBERG” chant directed at him because apparently Montreal is still living in 2013. Ryback explains that he’s been hungry and that he had to climb and crawl to get where he is right now. Then he rambles some more food and starving lines until he’s interrupted by Bray Wyatt via Titan Tron. Bray explains that Ryback is actually a scared little boy and is scared that he’s going to be exposed for what he truly is.
Stardust DEFEATS R-Truth: Stardust enters the match carrying a bag. I’m already terrified of Stardust so I can’t wait to see what kind of nightmare fuel is in that bag. Also, R-Truth hasn’t been interesting since he was crazy with Little Jimmy. You know the match is boring when you’re more interested in what is in the bag than the actual match. R-Truth opens the bag and it’s plastic spiders which causes Stardust to pick up the win via rollup.
John Cena United States Championship Open Mic Show: The Montreal crowd doesn’t really care what John Cena has to say. Cena gives us the same exact narrative that he’s given us over the past 12 years. You know exactly what he said during this segment, I don’t have to type it here. John Cena then says the open challenge starts now. Bret Hart makes his way to the ring. That’s right, Bret Hart. The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be…at having the charisma of a fire hydrant. Bret says he’s here to introduce a great wrestler and out comes Heath Slater. Heath says that he’s tired of getting attacked out of no where and then Bret hits him with the mic and introduce…SAMI ZAYN! The Montreal crowd erupts with delight!
John Cena VS Sami Zayn for the United States Championship is underway! This is another match that you just have to watch on your own. An exciting match for Sami Zayn’s debut and you have to wonder, will this open challenge by John Cena mirror the Kurt Angle open challenge when John Cena debuted? Sami Zayn is going to be just fine in WWE’s main roster.
The Bella Twins get attacked by Naomi and a returning Tamina Snuka!! Naomi has a new look and got rid of her sweet light up shoes. RIP light up shoes. Hash tag sad face.
King Barrett/Sheamus DEFEAT Dolph Ziggler/Neville: Barrett and Sheamus keep Ziggler in their corner while Neville paces waiting to get included in the match. Neville finally gets involved and picks up the momentum against King Booker…er, I mean, King Barrett. Sheamus and Ziggler take each other out but Sheamus has just enough left in the tank to take down Neville for Barrett to take advantage and pick up the win.
MAIN EVENT: Roman Reigns VS Randy Orton. Kane makes his way into the match with Seth Rollins and J&J Security. Jamie Noble says he’s the special guest announcer. Joey Mercury will be playing the role of bell keeper. Kane will be a special enforcer. Is that an upgrade or downgrade from gatekeeper? Seth Rollins will be on commentary. The Authority naturally starts to slowly get involved in the match to screw with Reigns and Orton. The crowd is actually still into Orton and Reigns for seeing them so much tonight. J&J, Kane, and Rollins eventually all attack Orton which leads to Roman Reigns flying over the top rope and into The Authority. Rollins regroups the troops and they attack both Orton and Reigns until Ambrose busts onto the scene and starts taking it to The Authority!! Eventually, Rollins is left with Orton, Reigns and Ambrose and Rollins get to take a Spear home as a parting gift. Orton then RKOs Reigns. Ambrose delivers Dirty Deeds to Orton…whatta lunatic! Ambrose is left standing tall to the crowd’s delight!!
Until next week!
Follow Adam Lucidi on Twitter @adamlucidi.