Jeb Bush Has A Hard On For Bro King Rob Gronkowski


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One of the most maddeningly frustrating parts of election season politicking is candidates’ repeated insistence on portraying themselves as everymans. Like if they weren’t out here campaigning for president, they’d be at a stool at a local bar sipping a canned beer and casually watching a mid-season NBA game, completely and disrespectfully ignoring the fact that to be someone who runs for public office, you inherently need to be a narcissistic asshole, a person who genuinely is not an everyman, for unlike the casual lay person standing in line at Harris Teeter, you have thought, deemed, and believed yourself to be worthy of ruling over everyone else in a given country.

You know, just like Joe over there. Joe’s the same way.

Which is how you get bland, focus-grouped statements fed to candidates by their PR team who then regurgitate them in an attempt to a come across as relateable and not, say, the brother and son of two U.S. presidents.

That’s how you get shit like Jeb Bush stating he loves Rob Gronkowski as a starter in fantasy football. Calling him his boy. Just like Joe does.

Jeb Bush is a 62-year-old man. There is no chance Rob Gronkowski is on his fantasy team, because there is no chance Jeb Bush is in a fantasy league.

The only reason Jeb Bush said he plays fantasy is because it is extremely popular right now with the yokels, and he chose the name Gronkowski because it’s a name that could actually generate buzz. The staid, boring Bush was told by advisers that if he publicly stated he liked ‘Gronk,’ he would come off as more laid back than he actually is.

Check out this statement to The Federalist:

“I’m so proud of my team right now. Gronkowski, The Gronk. That’s my man. I rest my case. I’ll go up against Trump or anyone else.”

The Gronk. That’s so Jeb.

Related: If a dude said to you in 2013 that Drew Brees was his fantasy boy, that’s he’d go to bat with Brees any week, you’d want to punch him in the face for making such an obnoxiously dull statement. Yes, we understand you are a fan of the highest point getter in the league.

Fuck this dude. Do not vote for him.