Jerry Jones Revealed To The World On ‘Sunday Night Football’ That He Claps Like A Total Psychopath And The Internet Fears For Its Life

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The Dallas Cowboys succumbed to the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday Night Football, 28-24. But, the result of a sportsball game is secondary to the bigger story–the Dallas Cowboys organization is owned by a ruthless, sociopathic serial killer in Jerry Jones.

I don’t have any bodies to show. There is no smoking gun. Or severed limbs in Jerry’s gold-encrusted freezer.

The only evidence the prosecution is going on is the manner in which the 77-year-old claps, if that’s even what you want to call it.

After a seven play, 75-yard third quarter drive that resulted in a beautiful Amari Cooper touchdown pass that knotted the game at 20, Jerry Jones essentially pulled a Robert Durst when he admitted to his killings on a hot mic, by celebrating as only a psychopath would.

I don’t have the vocabulary to describe Jones’ clap, but I imagine this is how a normal person would clap if they sat on both of their hands until they fell asleep.

The irony in Jerry Jones not knowing how to clap is that he hired a coach who is a clapping machine, through thick and thin.

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.