Here is a list of things that would throw a better first pitch than Katie Nolan:
1. An empty soda can
2. My left nut
3. A herd of moose
4. An empty backpack that was accidentally thrown in the trash and then dug out by a homeless man who is saddened by the fact that there’s a ketchup stain on one of the straps
5. My right nut
I could’ve kept going, but you get the idea. Shame on you, Katie. That was fucking awful.