Kellen Winslow Allegedly Caught Masturbating in His Escalade; His Explanation is Incredible

According to court documents — which are brilliantly detailed in the New Jersey Star-Ledger — the whole thing was set in motion when a woman pulled up to Winslow's black Escalade and noticed something unusual.

As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.

By the time police arrived, an officer found Winslow allegedly “slouched in his seat and moving around.” Winslow sprang to an upright position when the officer arrived. When the cop asked Winslow what he was doing, Winslow allegedly said he was looking for Boston Market but was lost.

The cop noticed Winslow was wearing “dark colored” sweatpants and wrote that “his genitals were not exposed.” But the cop also noticed “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console” and plastic bags marked “Mr. Happy” and empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey” scattered throughout the vehicle.

Winslow allegedly told police he smoked the “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey” at his home to relax because the NFL doesn't drug test for it, and that he buys the stuff on the internet and at gas stations. Police say he consented to a vehicle search, and after a few items were seized into evidence, Winslow was free to go.

Oh, wow. A lot to process there. First and foremost, what a tremendous bit of free publicity for Boston Market. You can't buy that type of press.

Also, a millionaire like Winslow should not have to slum it with synthetic weed, no matter how hilariously it's named.

And lastly, it's refreshing to see the New York Jets dive back into the penis-scandal waters. The world is just a better place when they're embroidered in some sort of boner-fueled insanity

[H/T: Star-Ledger]