Like most websites on the internet these days, we’ve published quite a few articles about the Coronavirus in the past few weeks. And personally, I think it’s pointless.
In I, Robot, there’s a line from Will Smith’s Detective Spooner where he wonders if thinking you’re the last sane man makes you crazy — that’s sort of how I feel whenever the Coronavirus gets mentioned. Now, to be clear, that’s not because I’m taking it lightly, but more so in the sense that I feel like we’ve lived this story before.
MRSA, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, SARS, Mad Cow Disease, Ebola, etc, etc, etc — every few years, there seems to be some sort of brief yet intense panic centered around some scary-sounding disease that has harmed way fewer people than it seems.
Did you know that approximately 12,000 – 61,000 people in the United States die of the regular-ass flu every year? Meanwhile, not counting China, the death toll for Coronavirus remains relatively infinitesimal: 13 people have died in South Korea, 14 have died in Itay, and 26 have died in Iran. And yet, here some of us are, acting as though it’s the end of days.
All of this is merely just a long way of saying that I’ve generally paid the disease no mind thus far. I’ve continued to go about my daily life and have consumed as little content regarding the disease as possible. I’ve yet to write an article with the word “corona” or “virus” in it all year. Until now.
This morning, I woke up to reports from The Telegraph that there’s “no guarantee Liverpool would be crowned Premier League champions if season curtailed by Coronavirus.”
First things first: props to The Telegraph, as this is clickbait of the highest order. Sometimes, you just have to hold up your hands, admit you got got, and take your L (giving into clickbait) in stride. That’s what happened to me this morning and I accept that — part of the job.
That said, it’s clickbait for one reason and one reason alone: it’s complete and utter bullshit. The entire idea that Liverpool’s Premier League titled is “not guaranteed” because there’s no precedent for the matter. That would be like me saying it’s “not guaranteed” mankind would survive an alien invasion: it’s speculation of the worst possible outcome.
Technically, yes, it’s “not guaranteed” Liverpool are given the Premier League title but it’s also “not guaranteed” that you survive your commute to work or that your cheap Chinese food dinner eviscerates your insides. So, props to The Telegraph but also fuck ’em big time cause that is editorial garbage.
But… that said: if that motherfucker Coronavirus even thinks about fucking with Liverpool’s eventual Premier League title, I challenge its bitch-made ass to meet me at Penn Station for a proper scrap. You merely adopted the dark, Corona… I was born in it, molded by it. Your kind has come round here before — you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. We will survive. We will prevail.
Eric is a New York City-based writer who still isn’t quite sure how he’s allowed to have this much fun for a living and will tell anyone who listens that Gotham City is canonically in New Jersey. Follow him on Twitter @eric_ital for movie and soccer takes or contact him firstname.lastname@example.org