The New York Jets Are Bringing Their Own Toilet Paper To London Because British TP Can’t Handle NFL Dumps


This Sunday the New York Jets will face off against the Miami Dolphins at Wembley Stadium in London as part of the NFL’s annual initiative to get the rest of the world interested in REAL football. There are 53 players on an NFL team (plus coaches, staff, etc), and the average weight of an NFL player is 245 pounds. Now that’s the average, but those weights balloon well on up to 325-pounds and more. Needless to say that a 300+ pound dude is dropping some SERIOUS BOMBS in the toilet.

In order to cope with the deplorable quality of British toilet paper the team is traveling with 350 ROLLS OF AMERICAN TOILET PAPER so those grown ass ‘Mericans can take dumps without worry of piercing the paper and getting sticky fingers. Seriously, the team is traveling with THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY ROLLS OF AMERICAN TOILET PAPER because British toilet paper is actually a larger concern for the New York Jets than the Miami Dolphins are. Beating the 1-2 Phins is a foregone conclusion for the Jets at this point, all they’re really worrying about is making sure their fingers stay clean and their buttholes stay unchafed.

Yahoo! Sports reports:

The New York Jets are headed to London well stocked with footballs, helmets, cereals and 350 rolls of American toilet paper.
Apparently the bog-standard rolls in England are too thin for U.S. backsides and this unfortunate shortcoming required the Jets to plan ahead.
So the Jets decided the best plan of attack was to bring a bunch of the thick stuff with them on their trip to face the Miami Dolphins at Wembley this week.
“Some may say that’s a little over the top or whatnot, but it didn’t really cost that much, so why not?” Aaron Degerness, the Jets’ senior manager of team operations, told the New York Times.
“We’re basically trying to replicate everything that we’re doing here over there.”

This is how I imagine the Jets will be taking the field against Miami on Sunday morning:

[Yahoo! Sports]