The 7 Types Of People You’ll See At The Bar On Gameday

by 3 years ago


Football season is in full swing and I think I speak for most of us when I say I couldn’t be more thrilled. We’re at that exciting point in the season where the big picture is unfolding and you can really spot who the major contenders are. The same holds true in the bar scene as well. Whether you’re a fan of college or the pro’s, the cast of characters you’ll see at the local watering hole on gameday probably looks a little something like this.


The Diehard 

There should be plenty of these guys littered about the bar and for good reason. These guys are your money makers, the dudes that live, breathe, and eat (insert your team name here) football. 1-6? Doesn’t matter. This week is our week! Watch out, haters, because this bus is going all the way to Glendale and daddy is riding shotgun.


The Token Old Guy

Is that Sean Connery sitting at the bar? Seriously, when this guy graduated, the last US chopper was on its way out of Saigon. Looks like father time hasn’t dampened the school spirit though, ten beers deep and still going strong. My man. This guy is one you’ll actually want to make friends with, as years in the workforce have his 401k looking like a phone number, where as your bank account looks more like an answer from a 4th grade long division test. Keep in mind, he’s also been chumming it up with the hot bartender for the past three hours and for some reason unbeknownst to me, she’s actually digging it. Free drinks anyone?


The Off Duty Bartender

As the kids say in the streets these days, TURN DOWN FOR WHAT! While you might be winding down from the brutal 1 pm and 4 pm slate of games, this guy just finished up his shift, and brother, he’s ready to let it rip. Only natural though, I suppose, when your Sunday nights basically equal Friday nights since you don’t have work on Monday. Good luck trying to close your tab, homeboy is getting ready to line up Cuervo shots for the whole bar. Thanks for the free shot and all, man, but if I start going down this tequila path there’s a zero percent chance I make it in to work on time tomorrow morning. Normally, I wouldn’t think twice, but the boss told me that if I showed up late again I’d have to spend all morning in HR, which is really inconvenient since I planned on spending the first hour or work in the office John tomorrow. Those 30 wings I had earlier are really gonna do a number on me, But hey, I appreciate the gesture, bud.


Football Girl

Who said girls don’t know football? Football girl knows her shit-sort of. Hey, at least she can tell you that the touchdown we just scored is worth six points and she definitely knows the guy’s name on the back of that jersey she’s sporting. But that’s just because her college roommate fucked him sophomore year. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because you’re hot, doll, but I’m not going to award you die hard status just yet until you can discuss with me the intricacies of a 3-4 defense as opposed to the standard 4-3 set. Thoughts?


Football Girl’s Friend 

You thought football girl was bad? Football girl’s friend doesn’t give A FUCK about the games. She’s here for one thing and one thing only: to get drunk. Between an early brunch and the 1 pm slate of games, looks like homegirl has done a pretty good job of that too. Ya girl is LOOSE. Sorry sweetheart, I’m not ignoring you, it’s just that this 53 yard field goal to win the game is kind of a big deal. Not that I don’t want to hear about that pumpkin patch you went to yesterday, it’s just that if Janikowski misses this kick, I’m gonna burn that pumpkin patch to the ground.


The Random Jersey Guy

Get a load of this asshole. Everyone is here to watch the Bengals duke it out with the Steelers and this clown comes rolling up in Ryan Tannehill Jersey. Let’s not judge just yet, maybe he’s lost or something. Nope, scratch that. Here comes his buddy, Mike Vick. I’m not talking New York Mike Vick or “Fly Eagles Fly” Mike Vick either. No, this guy thought it would be a good idea to crush some $10 buckets in a vintage Falcons jersey. What’s that? Oh, it’s a throwback jersey? Right, ’cause that was soooo long ago and things ended really well for Vick in Atlanta. That’s not called throwback, that’s called being poor, bro. Get with the program.


The Alumni 

Can’t really knock the hustle on this guy. Dude shows up to the bar in his Penn State golf polo even though we’re about a million miles away from Happy Valley. How’d he get here? He mentioned a bit about his rich uncle’s tech startup or something. I don’t know, I checked out of this conversation about 30 seconds ago. I made my college decision based more on the social scene and the ladies as opposed to the school’s football program, but I can’t hate on your school spirit. Give ‘em hell, man.

PS- Met a Florida alum in an airport bar once, during their Elite 8 game none the less. Dude was cool, but he said he wasn’t a fan of basketball because the game was too slow. To this day, I still can’t wrap my brain around what that even really means. Was he fucking with me? Is he watching some other game that I don’t even know about? Or does he really think basketball is too slow of a game? Weird guy if you ask me.


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