The Sh*ttiest Things That Happened In Football This Week



Another week down, and a few more reminders that the game of football can really be a heartless jerk.

Since being a football fan isn’t the easiest thing in the world—just remember some of the stuff that we saw last week—here are the shittiest things that happened in college and pro football this week, leaving me yelling at the TV and looking for beers to help wash away the bad memories.

7. That Demaryius Thomas Fumble Against The Detroit Lions

On one side, I was personally PISSED THE HELL OFF because I’ve got Demaryius Thomas on my fantasy team and this little blunder cost me a cool two points. Love the effort, Demaryius, but, damn, unlucky shit.

On the other side, if you’re a Detroit Lions fan, how can’t you be irate that the refs missed this the first time and, even more so, that the NFL has a rule in the books that prevents a recovering team from advancing the ball on a fumble that had to be reviewed?

Ultimately, the Lions DID punch the ball in for six after being given a short field, but, still, from the extra stretch by Thomas to pick up the first down to the Lions, initially, getting the touchdown called back, this was shitty all around.

6. Chicago Bears’ Fans, Man

//’s not much more I have to say to describe this photo, is there?

For the Chicago Bears, starting a backup quarterback who, entering the game, was 1-11 in his 12 career starts, on the road, in the loudest stadium in the league and against the two-time defending NFC champs was never going to end well. It didn’t, and Da Bears fans weren’t shy in showing their displeasure with the performance in the 26-0 loss.

What’s worse, a drunk Bears fan running around shirtless in Seattle, or a drunk Bears fan running around in Seattle with a Bears jersey on after Chicago go nut-punched by the Hawks? Either way, this fan loses.

5. Ben Roethlisberger’s Injury no means am I a Ben Roethlisberger or Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Still, that doesn’t mean that I can’t recognize the affect Big Ben’s knee injury has on both his Steelers squad, fantasy teams around the world and the perception of an injury epidemic to big-name quarterbacks.

Roethlisberger is a fucking beast, who can nonchalantly heave a football down the field for 60 yards or bulldoze a 300-pound defensive lineman who’s trying to bring him down—and then complete a pass down the field for 60 yards.

Without his services under center, Pittsburgh loses one of its three-headed monsters on offense—along with Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell—relying on backup Mike Vick to try and bring a spark that he hasn’t had in, I don’t know, five years.

4. The Ol’ 4th-Down, Tipped Ball Touchdown That Killed Texas Tech

Watching this on Saturday was like playing an epic game of the old NCAA Football video game with your buddy, with each of you going back-and-forth scoring, knowing all-too-well that the winner would, most likely, be the person who had the ball last.

In real life, those people were the TCU Horned Frogs.

Just when you thought the Red Raiders were able to upset the No. 4 Horned Frogs and send thousands of drunk fans onto the field to tear down a goalpost, a tipped ball on 4th-down did T-Tech in, sending shockwaves through everyone in the stadium.

3. Colin Kaepernick’s Quarterbacking Skills

I’m not saying that San Francisco 49ers Colin Kaepernick isn’t a good quarterback, he is, but what he showed on Sunday against the Arizona Cardinals was enough to put any Niners fan in a deep and dark depression of epic proportions.

It’s bad enough to toss back-to-back interceptions—and near-impossible, too—yet that’s what Kaepernick did against the Cards, as the teams FIRST TWO POSSESSIONS were taken to the house by Arizona’s defense, wiping out any chance for San Fran to compete, ultimately, getting shellacked, 47-17.

Hell, even when they did finally score, they got punked out by Cardinal fans. Sad. a franchise that has had Hall of Fame signal-callers like Joe Montana and Steve Young, Kaep’s play under center was a dark day that no one who supports the Niners should ever speak of again.

2. The Texas Longhorns’ Special Teams Sucks (Again)

You would think that the football gods have punished the Texas Longhorns enough this year, right? After getting drilled by the Notre Dame Fighting Irish in Week 1 and losing on a botched PAT in Week 3 to the Cal Bears—a beer-chugging moment if there ever was one—a fucking punter ruins it for the burnt orange in Week 4.

This kid had the simplest job ever: catch the football coming towards you and kick the snot out of it as far as you can. Sometimes, looks can be deceiving, because he failed MISERABLY at both—and his team lost because of it.

1. Brandon Marshall’s Completely Unnecessary Pitch

Just when you thought that the New York Jets could shed that whole, “they’re the Jets,” thing, the team’s best offensive player, Brandon Marshall, goes and does something like this—and completely restores your faith in Gang Green remaining boneheads.

In all my years of watching football both in-person and on TV, Marshall’s pitch might go down as the single dumbest decision a player has ever done—which is saying a hell of a lot—and B Marsh seems to agree, saying this to the New York Post following the game:

“Wrong time to gamble… I was pressing, trying to make a play, but can’t do that. That was probably… worst play in NFL history.”

At least he’s being honest.