The Stoners Guide to the Winter Olympics

by 4 years ago

Olympics: Ski Jumping-Ladies' Normal Hill Individual First Round

That pic is so dope. She’s just like… flying. In the air.

Yo. Sorry. Hey. I guess I’m late on this one, but really, it’s like… why do the Olympics have to start when some committee of dudes tells me they have to start? The Olympics should start when we feel they should start. But they have and like… outside of Men’s Downhill—which is mondo tight when you are good and baked—you haven’t missed much. There’s still bobsled and women’s bobsled and I think like hockey hasn’t started. You bros like hockey, right? It’s intense. Especially when high. Chill, too. Like, an intense kind of chill.

And since you like to get good and stoneyed, and I’m like really good and stoneyed right now, I thought maybe a Q&A would be the best thing to help us, you and me, you know… really experience the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.

So you got any questions?

Yea. Russia?

Fuck YE-AYYY, Russia. Bears and vodka and mother fucking Siberia, yo. It’s chill as shit, man. Big fucking country.

Cool, but why do I need to like, watch the Olympics?

Well, for one, my dude… have you been outside? The ice, it’s… it’s taken over the land. It’s just, it’s all that’s out there. The Olympics is a two-week chance to stay inside, chill in some sweats and order some Thai. I fucking love Thai, man. I could eat so much Thai food right now. And you have an HD TV, right? The Olympics look hella tight in HD.

So how do I watch the Olympics?

Television, yo. HD fucking television.

But like, how do I really watch the Olympics?

With a joint in your hand, my man. Also on NBC, which is showing everything that happens during the day at night which is crazy.

What’d you say?

Because Russia’s on like… the whole other side of the world, it means when it’s day here it’s night there, so they like film the shit there then fly the film to America  so we can watch it during prime-time. Prime smoking time, if you catch my drift.

Woah. That’s mad chill of them.

Yea it is.

So what events are best to burn to?

All of them. Dude, like… all of them. But if you really wanna like, time it, so you can be primo-blazed before a something cool, there are some ones that look downright RAD when high.

Like bobsled. It has these sick, bright-colored sleds that tear down this gnarly ice tube at 90 miles a freaking hour, man. That’s faster than a car. That’s like… it’s gonna blow your mind when you watch it. And the freaking Jamaicans are bobsledding this year, so the whole thing’s just gonna be straight IRIE.

And figure skating is next week, too… I think. They do jumps and spins and this shit called a Sachow which is like a jump spin at the same time. I bet you could get sick trails if you rip the bong before. You could even pack the bong with ice, to like… get into the winter spirit, man.

And hockey. That’s gonna be cool because they are bringing like, all the best hockey players in the world to play and they all play for countries that fucking love hockey, so all the players are gonna be so jacked up. It’s gonna be awesome.

Are there any athletes I should know about?

Yea, totally, dude. Of course. Everyone’s from these crazy-ass countries like Austria and they’ve got wild names. You’re gonna hear some of these and crack up. Watch.

There’s a snowboarder named Shin Bong-shik. SHIN BONG-SHIK! I bet his brother’s name is something like … Forearm Bubbler Shik. And there’s a guy named Matthais Guggenburger. MATTHAIS GUGGENBURGER. Guggenburger. Guggenburger. He plays skeleton. That’s so awesome. And Semen Elistratov and Jakov Fuck. I mean, dude, foreign people are fucking weird. Like they are like cool and shit, I’m totally cool with other countries. I’m just saying WOAH. They got some wild names. Guggenburger.

Is there anything else I should know?

Not really, just that like it starts every night at eight on TV. Every night. Just pull up a chair and twist one up and chill, yo. It’s gonna be so chill.

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[Image via USA Today

TAGS2014 Winter OlympicsMarijuanasochi 2014Sochi Olympicsstoners

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