Super Bowl 50, which takes place in San Francisco between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos, is probably the one event that everyone will watch this year, but let’s face it, the game – and all the hoopla that surrounds it – will probably end up being a little tedious. Thankfully, to combat the tedium, we have this little thing called drinking. Of course, if you just pound that shit until you pass out, people will think you have a problem. But if you can manage to make a game out of it, you’re not an alcoholic, you’re just a dude who appreciates a good time.
So it’s with that in mind that we bring you this, a Super Bowl drinking game that everyone can play, from that diehard bro who knows the names of every player on the practice squads to your senile old grandma who thinks the voices coming from the TV are messages from her late husband. It’s truly the real Big Game. You might even call it the Super Bowl of drinking games.
— Drink whenever someone talks about Carolina quarterback Cam Newton’s “natural athleticism”
— Drink whenever someone says that Newton seems “well spoken.”
— Chug when someone calls Newton “a troublemaker.”
— Drink whenever someone praises Peyton Manning’s veteran leadership. (This alone will get you drunk.)
— Drink whenever someone gets oddly defensive about Peyton and claims that he still has plenty left in the tank.
— Chug when Peyton struggles to throw the ball ten yards down the field and then starts blaming and bitching out his teammates.
— Drink every time Archie Manning is shown.
— Drink every time John Elway is shown.
— Chug when one of your friends makes a horse joke about Elway, and finish the bottle if Elway is caught somehow eating an apple on camera with his gargantuan teeth while a farmer pets his mane.
— Drink every time you see a player who’s been arrested at some point.
— Drink every time someone starts complaining about being uncomfortable watching football now because of all the concussions.
— Chug if (when?) a player is obviously concussed. Finish the bottle if he’s concussed by a player who’s been arrested for a violent crime.
— Drink if someone asks “Which Carolina is it?”
— Drink whenever someone makes a marijuana joke about Denver. Take two drinks if the joke includes the phrase “Mile High City.” Take three drinks if someone says “But I thought drugs were legal in Denver” if Peyton Manning’s HGH issues come up.
— Smoke a bowl if the Broncos win the game.
— Drink whenever footage is shown of the Golden Gate Bridge or Alcatraz Island.
— Drink whenever one of your “hilarious” bros makes gay jokes about San Francisco.
— Chug if someone then brings up certain, uh, rumors about Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney.
— Finish the bottle if this somehow leads to an enlightening discussion about homosexuality and how it intersects with sport and the prevailing “macho” aesthetic found especially in the NFL. (Don’t worry, this won’t happen.)
— Drink whenever San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York is shown.
— Drink when the announcers start talking about how the 49ers thought they would be in this game in their home stadium, and keep drinking as they explore the reasons why the 49ers completely collapsed in a way that doesn’t involve them directly saying “because Jed York is a fucking clown.”
— Chug when this gives them an excuse to talk about Jim Harbaugh to fulfil their “must mention Harbaugh” quota as mandated across all forms of media.
— Drink when someone at your party says “I’m not actually really a football fan.”
— Drink when you have to explain the rules to that person.
— Chug when they still don’t get it.
— Drink whenever people at your party just straight-up ignore the game to talk about other bullshit.
— Drink when they finally decide to start watching the game and have to ask you “What I miss?” (This will happen roughly 198 times during the game, so best do your liver strengthening exercises. Wait, do they even have those?)
— Chug when you explain what they missed and they just ignore you and go back to talking about how shitty work has been and why they can’t stand Mark in accounting. (Note: this will kill you.)
— Drink whenever someone says the dreaded “Oh, I just watch for the commercials!”
— Drink whenever someone laughs at a painfully unfunny commercial, and take two drinks when they pretend that the commercials are actually good.
— Chug if the commercials actually are good. (Don’t worry, this won’t happen.)
— Drink whenever someone complains about the Coldplay/Beyonce halftime show. Take two drinks if they same something like “This isn’t music!” and then say the Super Bowl should have gotten some irrelevant dinosaur dad rock band instead.
— Drink if there’s a wardrobe malfunction. (We’re about due.)
— Chug if it involves Chris Martin ripping open Beyonce’s top. Finish the bottle if it involves Beyonce ripping open Chris Martin’s pants. Drink everything in the house and lock your doors if Jay-Z then shows up and murders Chris Martin on live TV.
— Take a drink whenever you remember that you have to get up for work in the morning.
— Drink every time you come up with a legit-sounding reason to call in sick the next day. (Note: you won’t find one.)
— Chug when you finally accept that you will be getting up for work in the morning and that this process will repeat itself until you either die or are so old that you can’t enjoy life anymore anyway. (Whoa, who knew the Super Bowl could be so heavy?)
— Drink if you haven’t already passed out by halftime.
— Drink if you’ve managed to successfully fight the urge to throw everyone out of your house by the end of the second commercial break.
— And finally, chug everything you have if the miraculous actually occurs and the game itself is actually interesting.