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The American public is shocked that elite military fighter jets can’t take non-grainy UFO photos when we still haven’t cracked the baldness code here on terrestrial earth.
The NBA is a perfect microcosm of this epidemic—Marv Albert’s been wearing a rug since plumbers were shooting underhand on peach baskets, both KD and LeBron look like a hair farted on the center of their scalp and the rest are scattering, and Trae Young’s hair is thinner than Brandon Ingram and kind of resembles the tumbleweed at the beginning of The Big Lebowski.
Hey, worse problems to have.
But hair-shame while you still can, because when 2025 rolls around, the bald(ing) will unionize and take to the streets.
Shaq: “Shaquille O’Neal? More like Shaquille-Hasn’t-Missed-A-Meal.”
Lavar Ball: “If Lavar Ball is such a big baller, why can’t he afford a tooth brush”
Grant Hill: “Grant Hill annoys me when he talks…put your eye brows down. He looks like he is surprising himself for what he’s saying.”
Caron Butler: “Caron Butler is a **** turd.”
Khris Middleton: “Khris Middleton can chop down trees with his teeth.”
Kemba Walker: “Kemba actually leads all guards in charges drawn two of the last three years My working theory is that he is so short they simply do not see him”
Domantas Sabonis: “Domantis Sabonis…More like Domantas Sucks*****”
Kyle Lowry: “Kyle Lowry look like a ‘where’s my hug’ type of dude”
Dwight Howard: “Dwight Howard looks like a sound cloud rapper who offers you albums at the gas station you avoid.”
Spencer Dinwiddie: “I really dig Spencer Dinwiddie and he deserves all the respect…but why does he look like the oldest young person I’ve ever seen.”
Ja Morant: “Ja Morant looks like a guy who would bench-press just the bar”
Brandon Ingram: “Brandon Ingram so skinny he can look through a peep hole with both eyes.”
Trae Young: “I like trae young but his hair looks like a lollipop that got dropped on the carpet.”
Zach LaVine: “Zach LaVine sucks and the Bulls should’ve never traded Jimmy Butler. If you disagree you’re wrong and suck my butthole.”
Pascal Siakam: “Siakam get like 60 teeth”
Lavar. Middleton. Siakam. All teeth jokes. Jimmy Kimmel staff straight chillin’ this summer. Same.
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