Wayne Rooney Knocked Out By Phil Bardsley In Boxing Match In His Kitchen And He’s Still Sleeping

The Sun on Sunday has gotten their hands on a gem.

Rooney and Bardsley, two former Manchester United teammates, were sparring in the kitchen of Rooney’s home after Man U’s 2-1 victory over Swansea on February 22. Why? To provide the world with this epic internet nugget.

And someone should go check on Wayne, he hasn’t been answering my texts.

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.