What Profession All 32 NFL Quarterbacks SHOULD Have, Based On Their Names


Jeff Hanish / USA Today

You ever hear a name, see that person’s respective profession and think, “Damn, that person was supposed to be a _____”?  As I was cycling through all of the NFL quarterbacks, some dudes stood out as having prototypical QB names, but others, well, they stood out for different reasons.

Teddy Bridgewater, Minnesota Vikings (R&B Singer)

You can’t tell me with 100% certainty that your uncle doesn’t have a Teddy Bridgewater vinyl record somewhere in his attic. If you’re name was Theodore in the 1980s, you had a 50% chance of selling 100,000 soul records to overweight black women on the doorsteps of menopause.

Blake Bortles, Jacksonville Jaguars (Founder of a start-up)

Fucking Blake, man.  I have no problem with you as a quarterback/person and truly think you have a bright NFL future ahead, but your name sucks. You sound like the dude in college that never went out or talked to anyone, but somehow quietly developed a start-up valuated at $5 billion. Now you take any and every opportunity to stunt on all of our lives while we toil away at our thankless jobs.  Hatechu, Blake.

Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys (Bouncer at that bar that doesn’t really need a bouncer)

To be completely honest, names don’t get more bouncer’ish than Tony Romo.  You were supposed to be a dude in a black t-shirt (1-3 sizes too small) with an empty, discerning facial expression and pending roid rage at the mere sight of a dropped glass.  There’s still time, I guess.

Tom Brady, Andy Dalton, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Alex Smith, Matthew Stafford, Matt Ryan, Phillip Rivers, assorted teams (Investment Bankers, Private Equity, Hedge Fund Managers)

Introducing the cookie-cutter bunch.  These are names that you would likely see atop your college’s investment club committee.  They also prepped wild hard for their interviews at one of the bulge bracket banks with aspirations of working tireless hours in order to break into the buy-side to eventually drive Range Rovers and fuck your girlfriend.  If you work at one of these places, what’s your name?  Who’s the dude sitting nearest to you?  Point proven.

Peyton/Eli Manning, Denver Broncos/New York Giants (High school janitor/Mom & Pop store owner)

Peyton and Eli Manning have done absolute wonders for their respective names.  Prior to their prominence as NFL quarterbacks, Peyton was reserved for hot blondes and slack-jawed janitors and Eli was reserved for that dude (he’s racist, but you have no definitive proof) that let you barter with him at the cash register for a stick of butter.  Next time you spill soda on your high school floor, think about Peyton Manning, the janitor that’s a little slow with a heart of gold.

Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts (Social Media Manager for a Non-Profit)

Andrew Luck just sounds like a good guy.  I have no basis for this other than the positive connotation surrounding the word “luck”, but we’re going to roll with it anyway. What do good people do? They work at non-profits, while simultaneously telling you repeatedly that they work at a non-profit. Andrew Luck will listen to you explain your job function, tell you “that’s so great” and then go on to unknowingly make you feel bad about your lifestyle.  Not on purpose, though.  It’s just the type of guy he is.

Kyle Orton, Buffalo Bills (Unemployed)

NFL: Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans

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Jake Locker, Tennessee Titans (Police Officer)

Remember that guy from your high school that didn’t seem too smart and was kind of a dick? Well, that guy was Jake Locker and he’s a cop now.  Sure, maybe he shouldn’t handle a firearm and might be a tad racist, but he’s around to protect our civil liberties.  Forget about that time junior year when he nearly blew off his finger with a lit firecracker and realize that you’re in completely good hands.

Ryan Tannehill, Aaron Rodgers, Brian Hoyer, Various Teams (Cubicles Forever)

Akin to the banker Bros listed earlier, this is the group that doesn’t quite make it out of middle management.  Mad Dilberts in this bunch.  They’ll work hard, but won’t feel like dealing with the bureaucratic hurdles that lead to “the big raise.” Pretty content, but wildly empty on the inside.

Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens (Underground Rapper)

Meet Joe Flacco. He’s real hip-hop–not like this poppy garbage on the radio today. He has more EPs, LPs, and B-side tracks than your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper. He is also unsigned, but hopeful that his break will come. He recently spent his last three paychecks to purchase 2,000 Twitter followers, but that’s neither here nor there. Once the right people hear his fire, he’ll finally be able to buy mom that house she always wanted (and hopefully move out from his mother’s basement).

Geno Smith, Derek Carr, New York Jets/Oakland Raiders (Ex-Cons)

Out of all the available starting quarterback names, these sound most like two dudes that worked at a chop shop. They also sound like two names that would rely on the “I didn’t know I couldn’t do that” Dave Chappelle defense when talking to arresting officer, Jake Locker.

Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers (Owner of a Burger Shop)

NFL: Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns

Andrew weber / USA Today

“RoethlisBURGER – PittsBURGER, get it?!” – What Ben Roethlisberger will say to you every time he talks about why he owns a burger joint.  Needless to say, the play on words will only get Ben so far, when the shop shuts down amid allegations of “indecent exposure” and “inappropriate use of hamburger buns” in the restaurant kitchen.

Nick Foles, Philadelphia Eagles (Best Buy “Geek Squad” Customer Service Manager)

I don’t know Nick Foles, but I know for a fact he can jailbreak your iPhone 6 in 15 minutes with a paperclip and a stick of Juicy Fruit. He just has that all-mighty nerd look to him. That grassroots kind of nerd that got an offer to work for Apple, but thought it was too corporate.  His “government job” reads Geek Squad Customer Service Manager, but on the side he runs his own underground screen repair shop (for drunk white girls that COULDN’T EVEN DEAL). The tech-nerd Batman, if you will.

Kirk Cousins, Washington Redskins (Motivational Speaker)

Yes, I know Kirk Cousins is very religious and it might seem lazy on my part, but reason with yourself for a second and realize how pastor-y Kirk Cousins sounds. That just sounds like someone that wants to listen to your problems and charge you six monthly installments of $99.99 to solve them for you.  Coincidentally, Kirk Cousins could also be a scam artist.

Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears (President of a Motorcycle Gang)

I know he gets a bad rap for this all of the time, but Jay Cutler just sounds like a douchebag. He also sounds like a dude that watched one episode of Sons of Anarchy and said to himself, “I need to be in a motorcycle gang.” So he bought a Harley, divorced his wife and left his kids all in an effort to live that outlaw life. What he didn’t realize was that his gang just sits around all day, generates no income and intimidates no one.

Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers (EDM DJ)

NFL: Carolina Panthers at Cincinnati Bengals

Aaron doster / USA Today

I’m pretty sure Cam is a can’t-miss name. With a name like that, you are basically built to succeed. In this successful instance, Cam Newton just sounds like an awesome EDM DJ.  Which means he presses buttons on his MacBook Pro much better than 95% of the populations.  You go, Cam!

Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints (Professional Gamer)

Andrew Brees sounds like a dude that owns a gamer chair and $300 dollar headset that he uses exclusively to argue with pre-teens that constantly call him a f****t n****r over broadband. He loves it, though. Frankly, when you’re over 300lbs, have severe carpal tunnel and a crippling anxiety disorder, your options are limited. If you need someone over lvl 70 in Destiny, though, Drew’s your guy.

Carson Palmer, Russell Wilson, Phillip Rivers, Various Teams (Professional Lacrosse Players)

So. Much. Lettuce. Once you get past the absurd flow and general WASPy appearance, these guys are actually a good time. They’re so chill that whenever you ask “When’s the MLL season start?” they genuinely have no response. Perhaps it’s because no one knows when it starts or maybe they’re just living in the moment. We’ll never know.

Colin Kaepernick – (Stand Up Comedian)

Just looking at the name, I immediately think of a dude that moved to LA on a whim, had one or two auditions, didn’t nail them, but has a solid stand-up career for himself. Obviously, his main joke crutch is the amount of syllables in his last name, but people still laugh (mainly out of pity). He’s also sneaky depressed and semi-addicted to Vicodin, but that’s not really important.

Austin Davis, St. Louis Rams (Teen heartthrob pop sensation)

If you told a 13-year-old girl that Austin Davis was performing at her local mall today at 3 p.m., she would scream uncontrollably for 10 seconds and possibly throw up a little. That’s how pop Austin Davis sounds. You don’t even have to be a real person or even play music to cause teenage girls to have a mild stroke with a name like that.  Once, Austin Davis’ quarterbacking carriage turns back into a pumpkin, it might be time to invest in some frosted tips, fluorescent leather vests and skinny jeans.