13 Things We’re Really Going to Miss About College Football

So now what? How do we live for the next eight-plus months without any collegiate pigskin? Should we hibernate? Should we wander the streets aimlessly looking for stimulation? Should we turn to religion again to give our lives meaning?

I don’t have those answers. What I can tell you with confidence is that it’s going to be hard to overcome that football-shaped hole in our hearts. And I can tell you what we’re going to miss.

Socially Accepted Drinking at Dawn
If there’s a better way to start a day than with an aggressive tailgate, I am blissfully unaware. College football doesn’t just make it OK to swig booze before sunrise, it flat-out encourages it. It’s the culture of gameday after all. One must respect tradition.

14 Consecutive Hours of Games
The NFL doesn’t have anything on the college game when it comes to programming. You’ve got GameDay coverage beginning at 9 a.m. and West Coast games extending until almost 2 a.m. That ass groove in your couch is going to fade – and that’s a damn shame. Creating it took so much dedication.

The SEC’s Egotism
Ha. Like this one is going to go into remission after the Crimson Tide earned the sixth consecutive crown for the Mouths of the South.

Arguing Over the BCS
It’s a national pastime to bitch and moan about polls and rankings all year. It’s also a time-honored tradition to see that things worked out in the end and the best team won the national title on the field. Next year, of course, will be the last opportunity to participate in this activity before the playoff everyone’s wanted for so long becomes a reality. Treasure it, curmudgeons. Treasure it.

The Hot WAGs
Johnny Manziel. AJ McCarron. Maybe I’m getting older, but the arm candy just seems to get better and better with each passing year. Thanks, social media and wannabe celebrities. Couldn’t have done it without you.

The Hilarious Tackling
God bless all of the terrible defensive teams and their inability to get opposing ball carriers to the ground. It’s gotten to the point that 45-41 games seem like normal occurrences. Real games resemble video games, which is not a bad thing for the neutral observer. WE WANT POINTS AND WE WANT THEM NOW!

The Upsets
Texas A&M is a hell of a team, but we didn’t know that until they went into Tuscaloosa. We knew Louisiana Monroe beating Arkansas would be hilarious, but we never thought it would happen until it did. When the underdog jumps up and bites the big dog, it’s hard to be unaffected. It’s the type of thing that you feel in your penis, liking going to high on a swings set.

The Near-Upsets
Remember when Notre Dame used every available bit of luck on the planet to get by Pittsburgh? If that game didn’t make you feel feelings, you have severe emotional problems.

Lou Holtz
Hilarious voice. The fact that ESPN still puts him on television still blows my mind.

The Oregon Cheerleaders


Heisman Trophy Speculation
There’s just something about that trophy that makes people crazy. I love seeing the media award it to someone like Denard Robinson in Week 3 of the season only to look like absolute fools. I love the comparison of apple offenses to orange offenses. There’s something so old-world about it. At times quaint, at times maddening, it’s a hell of an in-season topic. Offseason theorizing just doesn’t feel the same, like sex with your wife’s identical twin.

Knowing Which Conference Teams Are In
Because Lord knows they’re going to change.

The Games Mean Something
As opposed to college basketball, where there’s no real sense of urgency until March. One slip up is usually fatal for a football team and can make or break a season. It’s sports on a high wire with no net.
Farewell, dear friend. See you soon.