Welcome to the first — and hopefully not last, let’s hope I don’t fuck this up — live event update from Wrestlemania 31! It’s senior editor of very little, Chris Illuminati, and I’m sitting comfortably in the press box of the new and incredibly impressive Levi’s Stadium in the Santa Clara, California. It’s home to the San Francisco 49ers and former home to the most sensible pair of khakis to ever roam an NFL sideline.
Besides these Wrestlemania 31 live updates, make sure to check out Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for additional content, Wrestlemania photos and random Vines of precocious cats spearing one another. You really haven’t experienced live until you’ve seen a calico F5 one of its kittens.
I’ll be updating this post throughout the night (oldest stuff on bottom, newest on top) so feel free to leave comments. If it’s funny enough, I’ll toss it into this column. If it sucks, I’ll probably ignore it.
Wrestlemania 31 Live Updates
Match 9: Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns for the WWE Championship
- It felt like Roman Reigns started walking to the ring in the pre-show, it took him that long to get mat.
- Unrelated note — Wrestlemania 31 live results is hard, you guys. Fun, but hard.
- Brock Lesnar is killing him. It hurts me, I’m a mile away in a press box. I’m getting the meat sweats from it and I haven’t eaten in hours.
- Brock Lesnar is bleeding. There’s blood in a wrestling ring.
- SETH ROLLINS CASHES IN HIS MONEY IN THE BANK!
- Seth Rollins just pinned Roman Reigns
WINNER AND NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: Seth Rollins
Match 8: The Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt
- I was completely underwhelmed by that Undertaker entrance. Maybe I was building it up in my head too much but Triple H got an entrance where he was a fucking cyborg, Rusev rented a tank, Sting had Rusted Root play him to the ring and the Undertaker gets the typical shooting flames and fake lightening bolts. Not impressed.
- I feel like this match really lost something after last HOLY SHIT BRAY JUST KICKED OUT OF THE TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER I CAN’T TYPE THINGS BECAUSE I’M HIDING UNDER MY DESK.
- The Sister Abigail moment was clever.
- If the first Tombstone don’t get ya, the second one will. Or maybe the Undertaker just wants to bring it home. That will get ya too.
WINNER: The Undertaker
The Rock shows up to poo poo on The Authority’s congratulations to themselves on a 71K crowd at Levi’s Stadium. Awesome. Can one of those 71K explain this sign? And he brought Ronda Rousey.
Match 7: Rocky vs. Ivan Drago John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship
- Rusev rolled up in a tank. He must of come to the stadium via Oakland.
- The crowd was really against America when Cena came out. California is booing America. THEY’RE BOOING AMERICA!
- A pre-taped package showing highlights of America’s great moments & included a pic of Zuckerberg & Facebook & I’m officially leaving the country.
- “If Rusev hates America so much, why is he here!?!” — Jerry Lawler
- In person, that Accolade looked like it hurt. Not as much as falling to the ground in heels though.
WINNER AND NEW US CHAMPION: John Cena
Match 6: Paige and AJ Lee vs. The Bella Twins
- It’s really a shame I’m sitting so far away from the Divas. Maybe it’s for the best.
- I’m going to take this spot here to say the Bellas have come a long way, wrestling wise. Not like I’m some authority.
- “They’ve been twins for most of their lives.” — JBL
- As much as I like Paige and AJ together, I could go for another feud.
Winners: Paige and AJ Lee
Match 5: Sting vs. Triple H
- So when Sting enters, and I start crying like a little boy, everyone look away. Kewl?
- I’m not going to lie, when those Terminators hit the entrance ramp, I called my family to say goodbye and I love them.
- Triple H came to the ring as The Terminator, and speaking of coming, I think I need new underwear.
- The crowd starts a “you’ve still got it” chant for Sting, effectively erasing that who TNA time period.
- DX hits the ring for Team WWE for something. Where are The Horsemen?
- Charles Robinson is the ref for the Sting vs. Triple H match. I’m not saying but I’m saying..
- N.W.O are here and I just don’t know what’s real anymore.
- The Rock needs to show up for a true game of Rock, bat, sledgehammer.
WINNER: Triple H
WATCH: Triple H’s Wrestlemania 31 Entrance
Match 4: Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins
- “Does J&J Security have to go through security to enter the building?” — dumb things I think in line for the bathroom
- That wasn’t an insult to this match, I just had to go pee.
- “Can the RKO really be outta nowhere since it’s always possible. It can only be outta nowhere when Randy isn’t in a match” — I’m still peeing. The match sounds awesome from here though.
- Both guys kicked out of both finishers, so, this match can never finish.
- Nevermind, it finished with this insanity.
WINNER: Randy Orton
Match 3: Ladder Match For The Intercontinental Championship
- Pat Patterson, the first ever Intercontinental Champion, brings the belt to the ring. I thought it was Leslie Nielsen at first and the Undertaker was suddenly lost.
- Daniel Bryan comes out first and the fans reacted by losing their fucking minds. That checks out.
- What happens to all these ladders after the match? This seems excessive.
- That punch Dolph Ziggler took while falling off the ladder made my teeth hurt. It could be the seven Sierra Mists since noon.
WINNER AND NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: Daniel Bryan
Pre-Show
Match 2: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
- No! No! Not Axelmania! He’s the first one eliminated by…about 29 other guys.
- I’m probably the only person happy to see Bo Dallas back. I’m fine with that.
- I’d rather watch these kids play fight than the Ascension do anything.
- Big Show eliminates the New Day on at a time so it’s basically THE SAME OLD DAY. These guys are having A BAD DAY. I’m just going to keep capitalizing things with THE DAY. They should bring back MORRIS DAY and the time. Actually, that’s all I’ve got.
- It’s Miz and Mizdow left with The Big Show and the crowd is HOT for Mizdow.
- The Big Show eliminates Mizdow and the most predictable person ever wins the match.
WINNER: The Big Show
Match 1: The New Day vs. Los Matadores vs. The Usos vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (Tag Team Championship)
- Jey Uso leaves the match early either with an injury or early dinner reservations.
- All hell has broken loose. Women and dwarfs are now involved.
- I can’t keep up with what the hell is going on and I’m here live.
WINNERS AND STILL TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Cesaro and Tyson Kidd
Michael Cole and JBL just walked the ramp to ringside. JBL did a little two-step dance. Lillian Garcia is wearing a disco ball. It’s reflecting off the sun and melting fans sitting ringside. In related news, more seats just opened up around the ring. Visit the press box for more info.
Wrestlemania 31 weekend
We’re about an hour away from Wrestlemania 31 live from Levi’s Stadium so let’s get down to some business before the “Granddaddy Of Them All” gets underway. I’ve been in town since Friday and attended several events, both WWE sanctioned and otherwise, and here are some thoughts to kill time before the show.
NXT Live Event At San Jose State University: My panties are still wet about this show. Top to bottom, one of the most entertaining wrestling shows I’ve been to in an incredibly long time. I’ll be writing a long form piece about it later this week on the website but, if for some reason you haven’t checked out NXT yet, don’t be stupid. Watch the show and check it out live.
San Jose State University: I wish I could go back in time and put this on my short list of schools.
WrestleCon 2015: I took a trip down memory lane and checked out WrestleCon 2015. Speaking of memory lane, the fans in attendance remembered every single match those wrestlers ever strapped up boots for and the wrestlers can’t remember shit. But that doesn’t ruin it for either group.
The Art of Wrestling with Colt Cabana: Colt did a live podcast from WrestleCon. I got to sit in and watch and listen. Great show with a couple guests but my favorite part was probably Colt reading off the dumb things fans say to him while he’s sitting in the booth. Among the classics, a young girl squealing and half-crying because “this was the closest she’ll ever get to CM Punk.”
Thanks for reading! Make sure to follow me at @chrisilluminati.