The Water Coolest

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THE HEADLINES

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DON’T POKE THE BEAR

Go home markets, you’re drunk.

The Dow fell 500 points on Monday to its lowest level since October 2017. The S&P and Nasdaq shared similar fates, hitting levels that had dumbfounded investors saying, “I’m not even mad, that’s amazing.”

And equities weren’t the only markets caught with their pants around their proverbial ankles. Oil has had a rough go at it with West Texas crude closing below $50 for the first time in 14 months.

A laundry list of incendiary factors are contributing to the dumpster fire: a pending US government shutdown, trade war uncertainty, jitters over Brexit, mounting concerns in the EU, weak oil prices, volatility in Asia … Elon Musk not tweeting under the influence etc.

One of the biggest drags on US markets has been the Feds expected rate hikes. F*ckin dot plots. Jay Powell and the FOMC will meet tomorrow to decide if and when the next hike will take place. The options? (A) as expected, this month, or (B) delayed until 2019.

Put simply, this decision will likely be a defining plot line in Jerry Fed Rates straight-to-DVD biopic. No pressure.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Who’s excited for Dow 20,000?”

START SPREADIN’ THE NEWS

Google is taking more of its talent to the Big Apple. The company will vastly expand its NYC office, converting a nearby space into a 1.7M square foot tech campus … which is most certainly not to be confused with a run of the mill “office building.”

Alphabet will earmark $1B for capital improvements at the campus which spans three buildings, and will have no fewer than 15 kombucha taps. The leased office space(s) will come in handy as the search engine plans to double its New York-based workforce to roughly 14k employees over the next decade.

Google isn’t the first tech company that has chosen to expand its presence outside of Silicon Valley as of late. Just last week Apple decided to invest $1B in its Austin campus and earlier this year Amazon chose to set up its second, and third, HQ in New York and Crystal City, Virginia.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “The only thing more terrifying to New Yorkers than European tourists lost in Times Square is a hybrid gang of tech and finance bros at Brother Jimmy’s.”

CATCH A CASE

Johnny Law is breathing down Goldman’s neck. Malaysian officials have filed criminal charges against the most hallowed of Wall Street firms related to its role in the 1MDB bond debacle. Its unclear if the Malaysian government’s jurisdiction extends to 200 West.

The Southeast Asian country is shooting from the hip after failing to get DJ D-Sol to the negotiating table for settlement talks. Malaysian Attorney General Tommy Thomas, whose name has to be Google Translator fail, is seeking $2.7B of misused funds and $600M in fees paid to Goldman.

What is being called the biggest fraud since the financial crisis was lead by notoriously rotund Malaysian playboy “Jho Low” who remains on the run. Goldman banker, Tim Leissner, aka Mr. Kimora Lee Simmons, has already plead guilty to US bribery charges.

Noticeably absent (read: laying low in international waters) is former CEO Lloyd Blankfein whose last days with the firm were allegedly marred by 1MDB fallout. US officials have opened an investigation related to the allegations against the firm.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Ongoing investigations may be the only thing that Wells Fargo and Deutsche Bank have in common with Goldman.”

IN OTHER NEWS

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“You will get nothing and like it.” – the CBS board to Les Moonves. Following an internal investigation, CBS’s board of directors has decided that Les Moonves will not receive a dime of his $120M severance package after he was fired following allegations of rampant sexual misconduct.

What’s a squeaky-clean, family-centric brand to do when it’s staring down the barrel of arguably one of the largest scandals in corporate history? Buyback shares at a bargain, of course. Johnson & Johnson, currently embroiled in what will henceforth be referred to as “Powder-gate” will buyback $5B worth of shares partially because “BTFD, bro” and mostly to save face with investors.

Cut production, they said. That’ll fix everything, they said. Light, sweet crude fell to $49.88, settling below $50 per barrel for the first time in more than a year. OPEC’s planned cuts have been overshadowed by an economic outlook that can best described as “totally f*cked.”

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