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IT’S BONUS SEASON.
How’s this for some insider information? We’re giving away a $150 Sperry gift card on Instagram.
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YOU’RE *AHEM* FIRED
Tesla is cutting 9% of its workforce as part of a difficult but “necessary” decision that will cut costs and restructure the house that Elon built … thus ensuring the continued production, or lack thereof, of the Model 3.
YTD Tesla will net a positive 3,900 new employees, even after this most recent cut of 4,100 salaried workers. Because of how quickly Tesla has grown there are instances where multiple employees hold the same job. And that’s why the Bobs were called in.
Also on HR’s to-do list? Tesla’s former safety director is suing the company, claiming that he was fired after raising concerns about workplace injuries going unreported. You mean to tell me that playing with flamethrowers is dangerous?
Water Cooler Talking Point: “Sad to see so many employees lose their jobs, but happy to hear that each person laid off will receive a significant stock vesting windfall, cash severance, and flamethrowing keychain.”
NINTEND-OH HELL YES
Nintendo just hit E3 with a giant, frenzy-inducing sledgehammer, announcing it’ll be dropping another iteration of Super Smash Bros., called Ultimate, and a version of Fortnite for its Switch console. Super Smash Bros Ultimate is set to release on December 7th with a 60 character roster, the largest of any of the games’ characters lists thus far.
Fortnite has already had its fair share of success and Nintendo wasn’t about to let that slip through the cracks. Rumors that the free battle royale style game was coming to Nintendo were confirmed on Tuesday. The surprise? Players can start slaying immediately. Go ahead and cancel any plans you had this summer.
Water Cooler Talking Point: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the strongest power-up in Nintendo’s arsenal is a little thing called nostalgia. From Zelda to Super Mario, and now with Super Smash Bros. our friends from the Far East know where their strengths lie.”
Move over intern szn, there’s a new moniker for the summer of ’18.
AT&T got the green light to complete a proposed $85B takeover of Time Warner. The judge presiding over the case, District Judge Richard Leon (but you can call him “Puppet Master”), overturned the Justice Department’s plans to block the deal.
Twenty months after talks began to bubble, the telecom giant will be the proud owner of HBO, CNN, Warner Brothers, DC Comics … and The CW (because nobody’s perfect). The deal should allow AT&T to better compete with the likes of Netflix, Facebook, and other “telecomedia” conglomerates.
Judge “Dick” Leon just went scorched earth on the Trump Administration and in the process ignited the powder keg that is the media and communication’s M&A market.
Water Cooler Talking Point: “M&A activity in the media and telecom space is about to be more aggressive than an intern pursuing the opposite sex after a half dozen company sponsored tall boys.”
IN OTHER NEWS
- Wilford Brimley can rest easy tonight knowing that Johnson & Johnson’s diabeetus device unit, Lifescan, will be in good hands with Platinum Equity. The deal is worth $2.1B.
- According to the Labor Department’s inflation report (prime handicap stall reading), the Consumer Price Index increased 2.8% in May, it’s largest jump since 2012.
- Macy’s will purchase a minority stake and expand its partnership with b8ta, a pop-up where customers can get hands-on with new technology. Sooo, Sharper Image?
- Just when you thought basic white chicks couldn’t become more addicted to the ‘Gram, Facebook announces that they are rolling out a feature which allows users to purchase items directly in Stories.
- If you ain’t first, you’re last. New Jersey, the state who appealed legalized sports gambling all the way to the highest court in the land has made it official by allowing its casinos and racetracks to take sports bets. Jersey becomes the second state to approve sports gambling, following in the footsteps of Delaware.
- US indices were mixed yesterday:
- DOW: -0.01%
- S&P 500: +0.17%
- NASDAQ: +0.57%