US Stock Market Had A Very, Very, Very Bad Day

The Water Coolest

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Leave it to an alt-metal, post-grunge, hard-rock band to accurately predict a market correction.

On Wednesday stock markets did their best Hindenburg impression. But quite frankly a hydrogen explosion probably doesn’t do Black Wednesday (as dubbed by the enterprising minds at The Water Coolest) justice. Don’t believe us? Let’s go to the tape …

  • The S&P 500 dropped 3.1%, erasing gains for 2018
  • The Nasdaq plummeted 4.4%, officially entering correction territory
  • The Dow fell 2.4%, erasing its gains for 2018

But what’s a market sh*tstorm without a little perspective? As journalistic fate would have it, the sell-offs that marked the beginning of the stock market crash which would contribute to the Great Depression began 89 years ago, on October 24, 1929.

Let’s see how we fared vs. our forefathers …

  • On October 24, 1929, a day dubbed “Black Thursday,” the Dow plummeted by as much as 11% in intraday trading before closing down 2% after major banks buoyed the market by buying large blocks of stock

Of course, history remembers the following Tuesday, October 29, 1929, aka “Black Tuesday”, when the Dow dropped 11% and sh*t hit the fan.

(For the record, we are in no way comparing what happened in 1929 to 2018.)

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Hindsight is 20/20.”



Profit secured.” – Bloomberg. How long were you holding on to that one, guys?

Tesla seems to be back on track after a big earnings beat … albeit a non-GAAP earnings beat. Elon followed up the announcement of a profitable quarter, with, wait for it, a drama-free earnings call. It’s bonus padding time for Elon’s handler, apparently.

Keep in mind this brings to a close a quarter during which Elon Musk smoked a blunt with Joe Rogan and was sued for fraud over an ill-advised tweet about his plans to take Tesla private. TSLA shares made up most of the ground lost by Musk’s stupidity yesterday.

A boost in production of the long-awaited Model 3 sedan helped Tesla post just the third positive quarter in company history. Tesla raked in $311M in profit, the most in EV maker’s history.

So, the good news is that Tesla’s adjusted net income for Q3 was $2.90 per share vs. estimates of a small loss. The bad news is that historically, the company has followed up its positive quarters with a string of losses. Elon himself warned of factors that could derail the companies success, specifically costs associated with tariffs.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Things are looking up for Tesla, which means it’s only a matter of time until Elon smokes a crack pipe on an episode of Infowars.”



An Adidas executive (and two other jabronis) were found guilty on Wednesday of wire fraud and conspiracy to commit wire fraud in relation to paying college basketball players to attend Adidas sponsored universities.

James Gato, the (former) director of global sports marketing at Adidas, paid the family of former Kansas Jayhawk Billy Preston $89,000 and the guardian of “current” Jayhawks player Silvio De Sousa $2,500 for online classes. Former consultant Merl Code and sports agent Christian Dawkins were convicted on the two counts they faced, related to Louisville, but were not found guilty in the Jayhawks case. The defense argued that these payments amounted to violations of NCAA rules, but not federal crimes.

A little over a year ago federal prosecutors announced charges, via an unforgettable infographic, that implicated execs, players (and their families) and half a dozen coaches, including Rick Patino, who was fired for his part. It’s worth noting that Adidas was not accused of any wrongdoing. Rrriigghhtt.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “The most outlandish nugget in a pretty outlandish case? That the judge called the NCAA the ‘real victim’ … well, that and the fact that John Calipari wasn’t involved.”






  • How do you get a paid sabbatical at Wells Fargo? Easy, defraud customers and facilitate a culture of illegal business practices. Wells Fargo’s chief administrative officer, Hope Hardison, and chief auditor, David Julian, will be taking a leave of absence after the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency cited their recklessness in regulatory documents.


  • Mere months after New York Mayor Bill de Blasio failed in his attempt to sue Exxon Mobil for its role in climate change, NY’s attorney general is suing the company. The reason? The AG claims that the purveyors of black gold misled investors by downplaying the role climate change would play in future profits. Your aunt who founded the granola co-op is going to love this.


  • And now for a live look at a raging dumpster fire. Deutsche Bank’s shares ended at a record low following a piss-poor Q3 showing. Third quarter profit fell a whopping 65% as the bank struggles to cut costs, attract business … or quite frankly do anything right. Investment banking revs declined 13% vs. the same period last year and equities and fixed income were dealt similar fates, dropping 15% over that period.


  • It’s hard to believe that it’s been two decades since the FDA has approved a new flu-treatment. But alas it’s true. Roche Holdings bought the global rights to the single-dose flu remedy, Xofluza, from Japanese pharma company Shionogi and won US-approval just in time for winter.


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