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THE HEADLINES

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CUT ME, MICK

Wells Fargo plans to cut 26.5k jobs over the next three years. Turns out that scandals are bad for business.

WF is dealing with multiple federal and state investigations stemming from their fake account scandal. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Since then it has been one sh*t storm after another. As a result, the Fed imposed an unprecedented asset cap restriction until further notice on the bank. Br00tal.

Coupled with piss-poor performance and exits from less profitable businesses, its no surprise that Gary Cohn, I mean, Tim Sloan will be sending five to ten percent fo his workforce packing … presumably to Danske Bank.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “I’m fairly confident that WF stands for ‘Well … F*ck'”

 

REACH FOR THE SKY

Two media titans, Fox and Comcast, are going to duke it out over the weekend for European media and telecom, Sky PLC. One of the companies will finally own the broadcaster in a winner-take-all, no-holds-barred auction royale that will be facilitated by U.K regulators. The weekend bout will end a 21-month bidding war.

But no one said this was going to be easy. Fox already owns 38% of Sky PLC (valued at $35B) and Disney recently already agreed to purchase a portion of Fox for $71B. So, not only is Comcast facing off against both Disney and Fox, but it is staring down competition that already owns a large portion of Sky.

In case you were wondering, there are such things as “U.K takeover rules,” and, said rules prescribe that this is how it will end. It’s not quite Russian roulette but Fox will open the bidding, then Comcast can counter. If neither side is willing to go higher than the other, a final sealed bid is provided by each side. Winner. Take. All.

This is must-see TV.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “I suppose a classic 10-pace duel is out of the question?”

 

ALEXA, DOWNLOAD DISNEY’S ‘SMART HOUSE’

Just when you thought you didn’t need Alexa in your household electronics, Jeffrey Commerce goes and drops a “surprise” hardware event. Amazon announced an entire Brookstone store worth of useless gadgets including a new Echo Dot, Echo Auto, Amazon Smart Plug, Alexa Guard, and yes, an Amazonbasics Microwave equipped with Alexa.

“Alexa, heat my Hot Pocket until the cheese becomes molten lava, thus ensuring third-degree burns on the roof of my mouth.”

Believe it or not, wi-fi enabled, cloud-based Easy Mac cooking wasn’t even the biggest revelation of the day. That nod goes to the Alexa Connect Kit, a roughly quarter-sized Alexa-enabled chip that can be incorporated into almost any electronic device (even non-Amazon hardware).

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Finally, you can microwave fish in the office from the comfort of your own cubicle.”

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

• Eventbrite shares skyrocketed in its market debut after pricing at $21, the high end of its IPO range. Shares closed up 59% on the day pegging the ticketing service’s valuation at roughly $3.4B. What’s not to like about a company whose business model is based on hidden fees and service charges that make Ticketmaster blush?

 

• Adobe will acquire Marketo for $4.5B, giving the Photoshop maker a seat at the enterprise marketing table. This comes on the heels of Adobe’s purchase of Magento for $1.6B.

 

• Aurora Cannabis is planning to list its shares on a major US stock exchange in October. The company is already listed on the Canadian stock exchange. Questions about the curious timing of a hurried dual-listing were met with “Til-who?”

 

• Believe in something, even if it means laying off 3% of your workforce. Under Armour continues to toil in the minor leagues of the US sporting apparel industry. UA will layoff 400 employees, in addition to the previously announced fat-cutting.

 

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