Remember that beast Rudyard Kipling who you undoubtedly Sparknoted in your sophomore English class? He once said, “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” He wrote The Jungle Book; no one ever surmised that he was stupid.
Words are the most authoritative and abused drug ever devised by human nature. An exchange of words between two parties can completely alter the behavior of both. I find the power of language wildly fascinating because it can alternate between funny and grim, oftentimes with shocking finesse. And there are a LOT of funny ass words out there.
Here are some hilarious archaisms for you to incorporate into your cocktail party conversation, only if you want to act like both an intellectual and “that guy”:
Definition: alcoholism, specifically in a form characterized by intermittent bouts of craving for alcohol
You’re not a deadbeat college student in 2014 if you haven’t experienced a brief episode of dipsomania at one point or another. I’m suffering from dipsomania right now writing this listicle in an isolated classroom while all of my friends make wasteful decisions of the body, mind, and soul. Ever been to a Dipsomaniacs Anonymous meeting? It’s a sad sight to see.
Definition: kissing using the tongue; French kiss
Oh boy, everyone remembers their first cataglottism. Nothing captures the dizzying highs and lows of the teenage experience more than the cataglottism. Is she into the cataglottism? Do you just go for the cataglottism? Should you be a gentleman and ask her beforehand, “Do you want to try cataglottism?” Protocol regarding a pubescent boy’s first encounter with the cataglottism is always dicey.
Definition: having well-shaped buttocks
DAMN DUDE, check out that smoky callipygian girl across the bar playing “Dark Horse” on the TouchTunes. I’ve never seen a girl that callipygian in my life. There’s just no way in hell anyone that callipygian doesn’t work out every day of the week. Christ on a bike, that girl takes callipygian to a whole new LEVEL. She takes her vitamins.
Definition: a slovenly or worthless person; a slobbering or dirty fellow
If you’ve seen that movie Bad Words with Jason Bateman, you know slubberdegullion formed the basis of the movie’s funniest scene. It’s appropriate because he was a massive slubberdegullion in that movie. Slubberdegullions literally waste the sanctity of human life. Most of my friends are gormless slubberdegullions. I need new friends.
Definition: stupid; slow to understand
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only human being in my life that’s not completely gormless. There’s at least one gormless goon in each of my classes asking questions and pissing everyone off. God, some gormless nimrod cut me off when I was driving to class today. I put my coffee down, rolled down my window, and screamed, “WHERE’D YOU LEARN TO DRIVE? THE GORMLESS SCHOOL OF DRIVING?!” Probably wasn’t my best insult. It was early in the morning.
Definition: a newly coined word or expression
Everyone’s a damn neologist these days. LOOK AT ME.
Perkatory: the worst part of the day when you’re getting out of bed and are so tired that you think you’ll never make it to your Keurig. Or here, decafalon: the emotionally taxing task of having to slave through your entire workday without an ounce of coffee. Shit, these are both on Urban Dictionary. I’m terrible at this.
Definition: language that is meaningless or made unintelligible by excessive use of abstruse technical terms; nonsense
To remedy her dipsomania, a callipygian woman got butt-hammered and shared a cataglottism with a gormless slubberdegullion while screaming an original neologism.
A-Mac is a regular columnist for BroBible.
[Photo: Rob Marmion/Shutterstock]