What Your Sneakers Say About You

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Reebok
Reebok Sneakers

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They say you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes. Dusty cliches aside, a Bros’ sneakers speak worlds about his personality: Where he’s been. What he does. His hopes and dreams. How he takes his coffee. Sneakers are a book that tells the whole story.

If you wear these sneakers, here’s what it says about you to society at large.

Cross-fits

You Are A… Weekend warrior. You’re too busy for the gym during the week, but you make up for it by putting on the miles on the weekend. You drive a Volkswagen because it has just enough edge. You’re the type of dude who wears the same sneakers to mow the lawn, pick-up groceries, and a night out to the bar with buddies, all of which you consider exercise in one way of the other. Despite your doctor’s insistence otherwise, you consider your beer gut a matter of personal identity. The highlight of your week is watching premium cable on Sunday night.

High-Tops

You Are A… Club promotor at night, social media “expert” during the day. Or at least it says “social media expert” somewhere on your resume. After looking at your Likes on Instagram and mentions on Twitter, you check sneaker blogs first thing in the morning for breaking news, regardless of what else is happening in the world. You’re the type of dude who manages to somehow always enjoy the perks of bottle service, yet you’ve never paid a penny for it. There isn’t a single pic of you on Instagram that you’re not wearing sunglasses in.

Lightweight running shoes

You Are A… High functioning member of society. Your job in insurance, accounting, or consulting consists of looking at sickening number of Excel spreadsheets each day. You make up for those soul-sucking hours of your life by sweating hard at the gym. You’ve never missed a cable bill payment. You eat kale with some degree of regularity, usually with quinoa. Your knowledge of Third-Eye Blind’s song catalog is close to encyclopedic. Sometimes, on Saturday nights, you binge watch Friends episodes on Netflix with your girlfriend. You tried an IPA once, but immediately went back to a domestic light beer because “it’s popular for a reason.”

Canvas kateboarding shoes

You Are A… Employee of an artisanal mac-and-cheese food truck.  You left the 9-to-5 grind because your jerk boss kept telling you to shave. Now you serve heaps of mac-and-cheese-with-truffles to foodies on their lunch break and spend your free time making YouTube videos of your afternoon at the skate park. You have strong opinions about the following: Wes Anderson movies, Arcade Fire, wine bars, and Portlandia. You’re especially skilled at acquiring vintage costume clothing from Thrift Shops come Halloween.

Basketball kicks

You Are A… Pick-up game king. You weren’t good enough for that D-2 scholarship, but you totally played intramural in college. You still get chills thinking about Jordan retiring to play baseball. Your favorite topics of discussion include Christian Laettner and how the San Antonio Spurs belong on the same Mt. Rushmore of NBA dynasties as the Celtics and Lakers. Height: 6’2″.

Slip-Ons

You Are A… Unemployed 22-year-old who lives in his parents basement and wakes up at 2pm on a Wednesday. Your usual lunch consists of Cpt’N Crunch in your underwear while watching Dr. Phil. After 5PM, you work at a chain Italian restaurant and play in an indie band that ends in “-Squad” i.e. “THUNDER SQUAD.” Your first album was funded by a Kickstarter campaign that you convinced your uncle to buy into.

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