The summer movie season is upon us yet again, and although it may seem a bit early in the calendar, Hollywood cares not for the movements of the earth around the sun, and only for the movement of dollars out of your wallet. Naturally, there will be a lot of movies during this time vying for those dollars, but there are a handful that are must-sees for any guy. Sure, some will probably suck, but even bad summer movies can be a lot of fun, especially if you have your bros with you to MST3K that sucker to death. But whether they’re good, bad, funny, suspenseful, or just a gold old-fashioned debacle, these are nine movies that every guy needs to see this summer.
9. ‘The Amazing Spider-Man 2’
Release Date: May 2
The Movie: The rebooted Peter Parker deals with more bad guys by dressing up in spandex and shooting ropes of sticky white fluid everywhere, probably because he’s been hanging around Emma Stone. Or Aunt May. Let’s not judge. Sally Field may be 67 years-old, but she’s still a handsome woman.
Why You Need to See It: It’s a comic book movie put out by Marvel. Not seeing it is like being the last dude to own a flip phone. I’m not saying that peer pressure is a good reason for seeing a movie, but let’s be honest, you’ve seen movies for a lot dumber reasons. Plus, the aforementioned Emma Stone will be running around as Gwen Stacy, the Green Goblin shows up in this one to raise hell, and worst case scenario, you wind up seeing a mediocre Marvel flick, which is still more entertaining than most other movies.
8. ‘Jupiter Ascending’
Release Date: July 18
The Movie: The Wachowski siblings are back with this ambitious movie about an ordinary young human – played by Mila Kunis – who is targeted for assassination by the Queen of the Universe. Hijinks ensue.
Why You Need to See It: Like all of the Wachowski movies, this one could either be completely awesome or a horrible debacle. Either way, that is something you need to see. The plot seems ridiculous, but then again, so did the plot to The Matrix. The bottom line is that the movie will be ambitious, grandiose, and everything else a summer movie should be. Whether it’s coherent or not is another matter, but even if it ends up looking more like The Matrix: Revolutions, you can just shut off your brain and pretend you’re hanging out with Mila Kunis for two and a half hours, because that’s not sad at all. Nope.
7. ‘Godzilla’
Release Date: May 16
The Movie: Come on, it’s a Godzilla movie. Do you really need this explained to you?
Why You Need to See It: It will be a goddamn spectacle. That’s enough of a reason right there. But it doesn’t just seem like an ordinary monster movie. No, this one seems to almost tap into a comic book type of movie, with Godzilla positioned as the defender of humanity against evil creatures bent on destroying the world. That’s a fun twist that should keep the movie from getting boring once the spectacle of it all has run its course. Plus, the movie stars Bryan Cranston and do you wanna mess with Walter White? I didn’t think so.
6. ‘Neighbors’
Release Date: May 9
The Movie: Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne play a couple who move next door to a fraternity. Every glorious fraternity movie gag you know and love ensues, only better. Hopefully.
Why You Need to See It: No movie promises more debauchery than Neighbors this summer. I mean, let’s put it this way: Seth Rogen actually plays the straight man here. This is the latest movie to take a run at the Animal House crown, and from the cast to the film-makers, it might just stand the best chance. At the very least, it should be the best frat movie since Old School, and let’s face it, the movie’s, uh, themes are near and dear to all of our hearts.
5. ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’
Release Date: June 27
The Movie: Transformers! Marky Mark! Extinction! Explosions! No Shia LaBeouf!
Why You Need to See It: Transformers! Marky Mark! Extinction! Explosions! No Shia LaBeouf! No, but really, the movie will almost definitely be completely ridiculous, in ways both good and bad, but that’s all part of the Michael Bay charm. You all know what you’re getting here, and if there is one indisputable truth I think we can all agree on, it’s this: you will not be bored. Plus, getting to see Dirk Diggler acting alongside Optimus Prime is one of those things you’ll tell your grandchildren about one day.
4. ‘The Expendables 3’
Release Date: August 15
The Movie: The gang is back for more insane old man action, only this time Wesley Snipes, Mel Gibson, Antonio Banderas and Harrison freakin’ Ford show up to lend a hand. Whoa! Who even cares about the story? Plus it even has Ronda Rousey kicking some ass.
Why You Need to See It: All the men who raised you gathered together in one place is something worthy of ten bucks, don’t you think? Sure, none of them are technically your dad, but let’s be honest here, you learned a lot more from Stallone, Arnold and the rest of the gang than anything your flesh and blood pops taught you. For two hours, you can just sit there with a dumb smile on your face and revel in the joys of childhood, when their collective movies on TBS babysat you after school and you dreamed of dropping ridiculous one liners after dropping bad guys in the jungle.
3. ‘X-Men: Days of Future Past’
Release Date: May 23
The Movie: Our favorite mutants find that the future, or the present, or… let’s not think too deeply here, is looking grim as hell, so they send Wolverine back in time to convince their past selves to quit dicking around and be cool.
Why You Need to See It: I could just say “Jennifer Lawrence in a skintight suit and body paint” and then drop the mic and walk away, but I’m a professional. Aside from the, ahem, obvious, this is a total nerdgasm, with the actors from the original X-Men trilogy hooking up with the actors from the reboot/prequel/like I said, don’t think too deeply about this, which means you’ve got Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, James McEvoy, Michael Fassbender, the aforementioned Ms. Lawrence and everybody else all gathered together for one insane movie. Oh, and Peter Dinklage, aka Tyrion Lannister, shows up to make everyone lose their goddamn mind. This is what we call in technical terms going balls out. Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence in a skintight suit and body paint.
2. ‘Sin City: A Dame to Kill For’
Release Date: August 22
The Movie: The sequel to the first Sin City promises more of the same, which means highly stylized cops and criminals, deadbeats and degenerates, strippers and scantily clad Jessica Albas.
Why You Need to See It: Well, read that last part again. No, but really, this is a movie that everyone’s been waiting on for a long time. It was shot in 3D, and while that might be a gimmick that’s kind of run its course a little bit, given the artistic flair of the series, it could – and should – end up looking really, really cool. It’s got a killer cast, the godfather himself, Frank Miller, returned to write the script and co-direct the movie with Robert Rodriguez, and, well… yeah, if you liked the first one at all, then this is definitely a must see.
1. ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’
Release Date: August 1
The Movie: A gang of space misfits band together to take on the forces of evil in sort of an intergalactic version of The Avengers, only it actually takes place in The Avengers universe. I know, I know…
Why You Need to See It: This is maybe Marvel’s most ambitious move yet, broadening its already ridiculously expansive universe to include, well, the rest of the universe. It’s risky as hell, with a cast of weirdoes and freaks who aren’t exactly as recognizable as their more Earth-centric counterparts, but again, it’s Marvel, and it’s Marvel doing what it does best, which is making ridiculously fun movies about ridiculously fun characters. Plus, the movie is reportedly a setup for an even more insane sequel to The Avengers somewhere down the road that will probably melt nerd brains everywhere. Out of every movie this summer, this is the one with the most potential not to be just a hit movie, but an Event. And while it might crumble under the weight of its ambition and general goofiness, I’m not about to bet against Marvel. Are you? I didn’t think so.
Sin City image: YouTube
Godzilla image: YouTube
Expendables 3 image: Lionsgate
Guardians of the Galaxy image: YouTube