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Editor’s (David’s) Note: This piece was inspired by some tweets of mine, when I realized that a Jeb Bush-Rob Portman would be so white an election wouldn’t even be necessary in 2016. They’d win by their whiteness. So I asked Dub J to break it down.
Regardless of your race, if you don’t look at that picture and think “God DAMN, those are some really white dudes”, then something might be wrong with you. I showed this picture to one of my politically uninformed white friends and he simply responded with “Are those your bosses?” The thing is, I couldn’t say no. Like, I knew Jeb Bush and Rob Portman weren’t my bosses, but I wasn’t confident enough to say that because they look SO much like dudes that can be my bosses. Or your boss. Or your daddy’s boss. Peak caucasity (cc. @desusnice).
I also made a few other “assumptions” about just how white Jeb and Rob might be:
They Wouldn’t Have To Wait Longer Than Five Seconds to Get Approved For a Seven-Figure Loan
There’s privilege and then there’s “just sign on the dotted line” privilege and that’s what we’re looking at here. Obviously, these men don’t need a loan, but imagine if they wanted to see how far their whiteness can take them.
Jeb and Rob: “Yes, we’re going to need a loan for 5 billion dollars”
Loan Officer: *puzzled, but extremely confident that they’re good for it with no prior knowledge of their financial situations* “Umm, ok, right this way. What will you be needing this loan for?”
J&R: “Ya know, Rob and I really enjoyed that Space Jam movie and wanted to check out the situation at Moron Mountain”
LO: *unwavering confidence that they’re good for it* “The situa…ah you know what? You don’t even need to explain yourselves. I completely get it. Just pay it back whenever.”
They Drink Milk with Every Meal
Not a doubt in my mind that Jeb and Rob absolutely crush milk with their families on a nightly basis. Legend has it that they might even be white enough to still employ a milkman.
Next level whiteness starts and ends with drinking milk for every meal. Not sure how this happened, but it’s a confirmed fact that white people LOVE milk. When I was younger, we’d occasionally have milk for dinner, but it was never a set-in-stone type of thing. Every time I ate at a white friend’s house, for any meal, we’d drink milk. People were fucking perplexed when I asked if there were any other options (literally had a friend’s mom say that they had Welch’s grape soda once and all I could do was laugh and have the entire bottle for a glass).
Shit’s fascinating. Felt like I started using another part of my brain when I finally realized that white people were drinking milk like gangbusters.
They Never Used a Washcloth Before
Jeb and Rob just strike me as a couple of guys that have never concerned themselves with shower maintenance at any point in their lives. Probably squeeze shampoo on their heads and just let the suds trickle down for five minutes before it’s time to hop out.
One of the most contentious subjects within the white-person cultural understanding is the washcloth. For the layman, washcloths are basically mini-towels that people use to lather up with soap and wash themselves with. A cloth that washes. With that said, according to my studies*, 9 out of 10 white people have not a clue what a wash cloth is or think they are just there to dry your hands aftere using the bathroom. Troubling information.
White people recently made the amazing transition of just washing their bodies with a bar of soap to using loofahs and poufs. Basically going from riding a unicycle to a Maserati in the blink of an eye. Granted, I use a loofah now, too. But there was never a point where I slid a bar of soap in my butt crack and then washed my face with it. Admit it, guys. You’ve done that once or twice and thought no one noticed.
*asking three white people within a 5 foot radius
They Never Once Considered Seasoning Their Food before Tossing It on the Grill
A White dude’s GrilL
“Who cares what this shit tastes like. We’re rich!” – Jeb Bush talking to Rob Portman at the cookout, probably.
To this day, this one of the saddest pictures that I have ever seen. Not even a speckle of Lawry’s could be found anywhere near this grill. Pure upper-echelon whiteness means going to the grocery store, buying assorted meats/charcoal, and kind of letting the grill figure itself out. The job has been done. Maybe you’ll haphazardly flip stuff a few times with an ironic grill apron on, but your work has been done. When you have zero amount of worries in your every day life, shit just tastes better.
All in all, what do I know? I’m just a black guy that irresponsibly polls white people with strange questions about how they live their life. At best, my opinion should simply be viewed as: ¯_(ツ)_/¯