This Pansy Soccer Player Flopping Off A Stretcher To Waste Time Is Everything I Hate About Soccer

by 2 years ago

That’s it. I’m done.

Far too long have I let my pansy soccer friends call me a “scoring glutton” American who just doesn’t understand the beauty of soccer. Far too long have I watched professional soccer players fake it more than my ex-girlriend. For years, I’ve forced myself to watch undersized men run around a field that is 200% too large and score a goal every fucking leap year. And God forbid I say that the key to being a good goalie is to be a good guesser, because that’s a fucking off-the-wall baseless statement. Fuck me, right.

penalty kick

penalty kick


Good work all around fellas. Next time.

And does it get worse than die-hard soccer fans? They get all butthurt when you don’t call it ‘football’ and use the nauseating ‘if it sucks so bad, then why is it the world’s most popular sport?’ argument constantly. The day I’ll concede to the world’s opinion over the greatest country in the world’s, is the day the terrorists have won. Oh, Cambodia loves soccer? Cool, how many Olympic medals does America have again? I’ll wait while your pea brain tries to count to a billion.

I don’t know why I’m still talking about this. Worst sport in human history.

David Beckham’s cool, though. Love that guy. Great player. Helluva foot.

The Big Green is a wonderful film, too. A true classic.

FUCK SOCCER.


TAGSsoccer flop

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