Gwyneth Paltrow can’t even split from her husband without being thoroughly pretentious

by 5 years ago

Gwyneth-Paltrow-divorce

A lot of people out there can’t stand Gwyneth Paltrow. If you need to ask why there’s no point in telling you. Now Gwyneth and her husband Chris Martin have announced they’re breaking up, so of course it was done as pretentiously as humanly possible. (What? The Most Beautiful Woman in the World failing in a relationship? How we will ever go on?!)

First of all, they made the announcement on her mind-bendingly pompous Web site Goop. Secondly, instead of saying they were getting a divorce she wrote a post on her blog, giving it a title naturally, and having that title be the most vainglorious thing ever, “Conscious Uncoupling.” In other words they’re probably getting a divorce…like thousands of regular peasants do every year. But no, that would be too pedestrian. She also said that they will “coparent” their kids. Well, no kidding? As if there is any other kind of way to raise children when both parents are alive and not total deadbeats. But hey, Gwyneth is a special flower, so I understand the need to specify. Here’s the whole thing before I have a full-on brain aneurysm…

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.”

They even posted a story with a long-winded academic article describing what “Conscious Uncoupling” is, which I am sure you’ll find riveting and give you insight on how they would never do something as bourgeois as just getting a divorce.

At least Paltrow got a fine parting gift from Martin before he got the hell out of the country and away from her.

Be right back. I need to go take a “Conscious Crap.” See? I can be pretentious too!

Related: Gwyneth Paltrow cut off a school bus while riding a Vespa with her kid

Gwyneth Paltrow image by s_bukley/Shutterstock


TAGScelebsChris MartinGwyneth PaltrowGwyneth Paltrow divorce