Ah autumn… The leaves are changing, college freshmen are learning to slap the bag, and three out of every four years we enjoy the luxury of arguing over sports on Facebook instead of politics. With college football season upon us, America’s young have a lot to look forward to before settling down for conspiracy theory time with Crazy Uncle Jim at Thanksgiving Dinner. But if you thought Uncle Jim’s fears of hormones in the drinking water were bad, wait until you see the kind of baggage The Dysfunctional Big Ten Family has to deal with when football season reunites them.
The University of Michigan
The University of Michigan is the cold, patriarchal Grandfather. He is withholding of affection, but generous with monetary gifts at appropriate holidays. He is semi-estranged from members of the family of whom he disapproves, though he occasionally sends money to a few of them. He is a retired lawyer who is inflexible and overly-demanding of respect for his large, but outdated accomplishments. His favorite activites include shutting down conversations and talking about the good old days. He votes Democrat, but after one too many old-fashioned, is known to make racial slurs, which the rest of the family ignores.
Michigan State University
MSU is the alcoholic uncle who is always asking Grandpa for money. He thinks he is accomplished because he bagged a Russian trophy wife and because he is usually too drunk to notice that nobody takes him seriously.
Indiana University is the super-religious cousin. He is extremely nice to everyone, which makes it all the more awkward when he suggests the family say grace while everyone is digging into dinner. He is in a loveless, sexless marriage with his wife Notre Dame, who is twice as smart as him, but oppressed by her rigid catholic upbringing. They have seventeen children and she is cheating on him with Penn State.
Penn State is the unfathomably good looking cousin. He is barely literate, but holds down a decent sales job thanks to his Arian beauty and perfect orthodontia. He is a functioning alcoholic and serial womanizer. He is currently sleeping with Notre Dame and three of his coworkers. He has two illegitimate children and three venereal diseases, none of which he knows about.
The University of Wisconsin
The University of Wisconsin is the youngest child who can usually be found pouring Jager bombs, or rolling a joint at family functions. He is an irritating smart ass whose favorite activity is provoking conflict among other members of the family. He still thinks he is going to become a marine biologist and has done a brief stint in rehab.
Purdue is the forgotten middle child. His responsible, middle class lifestyle is typically looked down upon by other members of his family. His wife is a nurse, his two kids are averagely talented, and they just made the final payment on their three bedroom suburban home. Contact with his family usually throws Purdue into a mild depression. All he really wants out of life is to own a Camaro.
Northwestern, the first born, is an urban yuppie who never attends family functions. He owns an over-priced hybrid car he has only ever driven off the lot, and he has a golden doodle that he feeds an all-organic diet. He secretly votes republican and has two spoiled brats with his wife, Brown University. He loves to name-drop his Ivy League in-laws, all of whom despise him as the common riff raff who deflowered their most vulnerable daughter.
The University of Iowa
Cousin University of Iowa is six foot seven and a cool two hundred pounds of corn-fed muscle. He arrives on time at EVERY family function, without fail. He rarely speaks, preferring to limit his interaction to brow furrowing and the occasional, quiet chuckle. He makes everyone extremely uncomfortable.
The University of Nebraska
The University of Nebraska is a Presbyterian and doesn’t drink. He rarely attends family functions, preferring to spend his time playing trivial pursuit and scrabble with his elderly female neighbor. He is 41 years old and The University of Wisconsin suspects Nebraska is a closeted homosexual.
Ohio State University
Ohio State University and The University of Michigan cannot be in the same room together. Michigan says this is because Ohio State dishonored the family somehow, but OSU says Grandpa is too senile to know what he’s talking about. Most of the family agrees with OSU, but disregard it anyway because OSU is a nudist and believes in ghosts. Plus Grandpa’s really mean when you contradict him.
The University of Minnesota
Nobody in the family really understands The University of Minnesota. He shows up to most family events, but typically spends them drinking Coors light and watching tv. His wife is kind, quiet, and unassuming, but most of the family dislikes her for reasons they can’t quite articulate.
University of Illinois
The University of Illinois is the cousin stuck in 2005. He drives a hummer, lives in an eight-bedroom mcmansion, and is drowning in crippling amounts of credit card debt. His marriage is on the rocks because his wife doesn’t want to sell the speed boat, but they still need to somehow pay for their only daughter’s equestrian lessons. He is generally well liked by the family, unless someone suggests doing anything that costs money. Illinois will then, without fail, suggest a cheaper, less attractive option, while Grandpa lectures everyone on fiscal responsibility.
The University of Maryland and Rutgers University
The University of Maryland and Rutgers University are Ethiopian. They were originally adopted by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, but when the publicity died down they got put into the foster system. Nobody really knows who is responsible for their welfare.
Republished with permission from She Wolfmoon